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roosterbri
Advanced Member
United Kingdom
553 Posts |
 Posted - 04 Apr 2012 : 05:27:20
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My wife said to me this morning, "You're the laziest b*st*rd I've ever known, pack your bags and buzz off!"
I said......"You flippin pack em!"
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roosterbri
Advanced Member
United Kingdom
553 Posts |
Posted - 04 Apr 2012 : 05:28:51
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Found out my grandfather had gone into a care home, so I rang and asked how he was,
nurse replied 'he's like a fish out of water'
I said 'oh is he not settling in',
she says 'no he's dead'
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roosterbri
Advanced Member
United Kingdom
553 Posts |
Posted - 06 Apr 2012 : 14:51:28
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The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent events in Syria and have therefore raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved." Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross." The English have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies nearly ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorized from "Tiresome" to "A Bloody Nuisance."
The last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was in 1588, when threatened by the Spanish Armada.
The Scots have raised their threat level from "Pissed Off" to "Let's get the b*****ds." They don't have any other levels. This is the reason they have been used on the front line of the British army for the last 300 years.
The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide."
The only two higher levels in France are "Collaborate" and "Surrender." The rise was precipitated by a
recent fire that destroyed France's white flag factory, effectively paralyzing the country's military capability.
Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout Loudly and Excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing." Two more levels remain: "Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides."
The Germans have increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniform and Sing
Marching Songs." They also have two higher levels: "Invade a Neighbour" and "Lose."
Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual; the only threat they are worried about is NATO
pulling out of Brussels.
The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs
have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.
Australia, meanwhile, has raised its security level from "No worries" to "She'll be all right, Mate." Two more escalation levels remain: "Crikey! I think we'll need to cancel the Barbie this weekend!" and "The Barbie is cancelled" So far no situation has ever warranted use of the last final escalation level.
John Cleese - British writer, actor and tall person
A final thought -" Greece is collapsing, the Iranians are getting aggressive, and Rome is in disarray.
Welcome back to 430 BC."
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roosterbri
Advanced Member
United Kingdom
553 Posts |
Posted - 18 Apr 2012 : 10:30:57
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Defense Attorney:
Will you please state your age?
Little Old Lady:
I am 94 years old.
Defense Attorney:
Will you tell us, in your own words,
what happened the night of April 1st?
Little Old Lady:
There I was, sitting there in my swing
on my front porch on a warm spring evening, when a young man comes
creeping up on the porch and sat down beside me.
Defense Attorney:
Did you know him?
Little Old Lady:
No, but he sure was friendly.
Defense Attorney:
What happened after he sat down?
Little Old Lady:
He started to rub my thigh.
Defense Attorney:
Did you stop him?
Little Old Lady:
No, I didn't stop him.
Defense Attorney:
Why not?
Little Old Lady:
It felt good. Nobody had done that
since my Albert died some 30 years ago.
Defense Attorney:
What happened next?
Little Old Lady:
He began to kiss me.
Defense Attorney:
Did you stop him then?
Little Old Lady:
No, I did not stop him.
Defense Attorney:
Why not?
Little Old Lady:
It made me feel all alive and excited
.... I haven't felt that good in years!
Defense Attorney:
What happened next?
Little Old Lady:
Well, by then, I was feeling so
'spicy' that I just laid down and told him
'Make love to me, young man!'
Defense Attorney:
Did he?
Little Old Lady:
Hell, no! He just yelled, ' April
Fool!' And that's when I shot him, the little b*****d!
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roosterbri
Advanced Member
United Kingdom
553 Posts |
Posted - 18 Apr 2012 : 13:53:50
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Subject: golf...
Tiger Woods & Stevie Wonder are in a bar.
Tiger turns to Stevie and says, "How's the singing career going?"
Stevie replies, "Not too bad. How's the golf?"
Woods replies, "Not too bad, I've had some problems with my swing, but I think I've got that right, now."
Stevie says, "I always find that when my swing goes wrong, I need to stop playing for a while and not think about it. Then, the next time I play, it seems to be all right."
Incredulous, Tiger says, "You play GOLF?"
Stevie says, "Yes, I've been playing for years."
Tiger says, "But -- you're blind! How can you play golf if you can't see?"
Stevie Wonder replies, "Well, I get my caddy to stand in the middle of the fairway and call to me. I listen for the sound of his voice and play the ball towards him. Then, when I get to where the ball lands, the caddy moves to the green or farther down the fairway and again I play the ball towards his voice."
But, "how do you putt" asks Tiger.
"Well", says Stevie, "I get my caddy to lean down in front of the hole and call to me with his head on the ground and I just play the ball toward his voice."
Tiger asks, "What's your handi cap?"
Stevie says, "Well, actually -- I'm a scratch golfer."
Woods, incredulous, says to Stevie, "We've got to play a round sometime."
Stevie replies, "Well, people don't take me seriously, so I only play for money, and never play for less than $10,000 a hole. Is that a problem?"
Woods thinks about it and says, "I can afford that; OK, I'm game for that.. $10,000 a hole is fine with me. When would you like to play?"
Stevie Wonder says, "Pick a night."
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roosterbri
Advanced Member
United Kingdom
553 Posts |
Posted - 19 Apr 2012 : 09:08:56
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True Story
Husband sitting in living room watching television shouts to wife in kitchen " When I die I am going to leave everything to you"
Wife replies from kitchen " You b*****d you already do"!! |
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roosterbri
Advanced Member
United Kingdom
553 Posts |
Posted - 20 Apr 2012 : 05:57:14
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My mate told me he was bonking twins. I asked "how do you tell them apart"?
"It's easy" he replied.
"Janice is blond".
"and"...
"Derek has a mustache". |
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roosterbri
Advanced Member
United Kingdom
553 Posts |
Posted - 21 Apr 2012 : 11:29:10
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DIFFERENT WAYS OF LOOKING AT THINGS
Two guys were discussing popular family trends on sex, marriage, and
family values.
Bill said, 'I didn't sleep with my wife before we got married, did you?'
Larry replied, 'I'm not sure, what was her maiden name?'
___________________________________________
A little boy went up to his father and asked: 'Dad, where did my
intelligence come from?'
The father replied. 'Well, son, you must have got it from your mother,
cause I still have mine.'
______________________________________
'Mr Clark, I have reviewed this case very carefully,' the divorce Court
Judge said, 'And I've decided to give your wife £775 a week,'
'That's very fair, your honour,' the husband said. 'And every now and
Then I'll try to send her a few quid myself.'
__________________________________________
A doctor examining a woman who had been rushed to the A&E,
Took the husband aside, and said, 'I don't like the looks of your wife at all.'
'Me neither doc,' said the husband. 'But she's a great cook and really
good with the kids.'
__________________________________________
An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he
has been living with for the last 40 years.
The Wizard says, 'Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words
that were used to put the curse on you.'
The old man says without hesitation, 'I now pronounce you man and wife.'
__________________________________________
Two reasons why it's so hard to solve a pikey Murder:
1. The DNA all matches.
2. There are no dental records.
__________________________________________
A blonde calls Delta Airlines and asks, 'Can you tell me how long
it'll take to fly from San Francisco to New York City ?'
The agent replies, 'Just a minute.'
'Thank you,' the blonde says, and hangs up.
_________________________________________
Moe: 'My wife got me to believe in religion.'
Joe: 'Really?'
Moe: 'Yeah. Until I married her I didn't believe in Hell.'
__________________________________________
While shopping for holiday clothes, my husband and I passed a display
of bathing costumes. It had been at least ten years and twenty pounds
since I had even considered buying a bathing costume, so I sought my
husband's advice. 'Should I get a bikini or an all-in-one? I asked
'Better get a bikini,' he replied. 'You'd never get it all in one.'
He's still in intensive care.
_________________________________________
The funeral service just barely finished, when there was massive bolt
of lightning, followed by a tremendous clap of thunder, accompanied by
Even more thunder rumbling in the distance...
The little old man looked at the vicar and calmly said, 'Well, she's there.'
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roosterbri
Advanced Member
United Kingdom
553 Posts |
Posted - 21 Apr 2012 : 11:30:57
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A Redneck went to the hospital as his wife was having a baby.
Upon arriving he sits down, and the nurse says,
"Congratulations, your wife has had quins, 5 big baby boys."
The Redneck says, "I'm not surprised, I have a penis on me like a chimney."
The nurse replies, "You might want to consider getting it cleaned, the babies are black."
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roosterbri
Advanced Member
United Kingdom
553 Posts |
Posted - 24 Apr 2012 : 15:27:46
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There I was sitting at the bar staring at my drink when a large,
trouble-making biker steps up next to me, grabs my drink and gulps
it down in one swig.
"Well, whatcha' gonna do about it?", he says, menacingly, as I burst
into tears.
"Come on, man," the biker says, "I didn't think you'd CRY. I can`t
stand to see a man crying."
"This is the worst day of my life," I say. "I'm a complete failure. I was
late to a meeting and my boss fired me. When I went to the parking lot, I
found my car had been stolen and I don't have any insurance. I left my
wallet in the cab I took home. I found my wife with another man and then
my dog bit me."
"So I came to this bar to work up the courage to put an end to it all,
I buy a drink, I drop a capsule in and sit here watching the poison dissolve;
then you show up and drink the whole thing! But enough about me, how's
your day going?"
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roosterbri
Advanced Member
United Kingdom
553 Posts |
Posted - 05 May 2012 : 09:46:34
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| Condoms don't guarantee safe sex anymore....a friend of mine was wearing one when he was stabbed by the womans husband...boom boom |
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roosterbri
Advanced Member
United Kingdom
553 Posts |
Posted - 05 May 2012 : 09:49:41
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I was making love to this woman over her kitchen table when we heard the front door open. She said "Its my husband. Quick try the back door"
Thinking back I should have legged it but you do not get offers like that every day! |
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Nigel
Senior Member
United Kingdom
238 Posts |
Posted - 18 May 2012 : 09:46:13
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| A man is watching a game of golf on tv. he keeps switching channels to a dirty movie featuring a couple having raucous sex " I don't know whether to watch them or the game " he says to his wife. " For heavens sake watch them " his wife says," you already know how to play golf". |
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roosterbri
Advanced Member
United Kingdom
553 Posts |
Posted - 21 May 2012 : 17:37:12
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Sister Mary Katherine entered the Monastery of Silence. The Priest said, 'Sister, this is a silent monastery. You are welcome here as long as you like, but you may not speak until I direct you to do so.'
Sister Mary Katherine lived in the monastery for 5 years before the Priest said to her, 'Sister Mary Katherine, you have been here for 5 years. You can speak two words.'
Sister Mary Katherine said, 'Hard bed.'
'I'm sorry to hear that,' the Priest said, 'We will get you a better bed.'
After another 5 years, Sister Mary Katherine was called by the Priest. 'You may say another two words, Sister Mary Katherine.
'Cold food,' said Sister Mary Katherine, and the Priest assured her that the food would be better in the future.
On her 15th anniversary at the monastery, the Priest again called Sister Mary Katherine into his office. 'You may say two words today.'
'I quit,' said Sister Mary Katherine.
'It's probably best', said the Priest, 'You've done f*ck all but moan since you've been here.'
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roosterbri
Advanced Member
United Kingdom
553 Posts |
Posted - 13 Jun 2012 : 12:16:02
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For those with my sense of humour
*WHATEVER HITS THE FAN WILL NOT BE DISTRIBUTED EVENLY.*
>
I have kleptomania,but when it gets bad, I take something for it.
>
>
> > Heaven is where the police are British, the chefs are Italian,
> the mechanics are German, the lovers are French, and
> it's all organized by the Swiss.
> Hell is where the police are German, the chefs are British,
> the mechanics are French, the lovers are Swiss,
> and it's all organized by the Italians.
>
> > Suicidal twin kills sister by mistake!
>
> > My short-term memory is not as sharp as it used to be.
> Also, my short-term memory's not as sharp as it used to be.
>
>
> > I may be schizophrenic,but at least I have each other.
>
> > I am a nobody. Nobody is perfect.
> Therefore, I am perfect.
>
>>
> > Dyslexics Have More Nuf.
>
>
> > *M**oney isn't everything,****but it sure keeps the kids in touch.*
>
> > Red meat is not bad for you. *Fuzzy green meat is bad for you.*
>
> >
>
> > *I am having an out-of-money experience.*
>
> >
>
> > Corduroy pillows are making headlines!
>
> >
>
> > *I want to die while asleep like my grandfather,*
> not screaming in terror like the passengers in his car
>
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Edited by - roosterbri on 13 Jun 2012 12:17:09 |
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roosterbri
Advanced Member
United Kingdom
553 Posts |
Posted - 13 Jun 2012 : 12:18:38
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Subject:* DEGREES OF BLONDE****
>
> >
>
> >FIRST DEGREE
>
> >A married couple were asleep when the phone rang at 2 in the morning.
>
> >The wife (undoubtedly blonde), picked up the phone,listened a moment
> and
>
> >said 'How should I know,that's 200 miles from here!' and hung up.
>
> >The husband said, 'Who was that?' The wife said, 'I don't know,
>
> >Some woman wanting to know if the coast is clear.'
>
> >`?*:-.,_,.-:*?`?*:-.,_,.-:*?`?*:-.,_,.-:*?`?*:-.,_,-:*?`?*:-.,_,.-: *?
> `?*
>
> >SECOND DEGREE
>
> >Two blondes are walking down the street. One notices a compact on
>
> >The sidewalk and leans down to pick it up. She opens it, looks in the
>
> >mirror and says, 'Hmm, this person looks familiar.' The second blonde
>
> >Says,'Here, let me see!' So the first
>
> >blonde hands her the compact.
>
> >The second one looks in the mirror and says, 'You dummy, it's me!'
>
> >`?*:-.,_,.-:*?`?*:-.,_,.-:*?`?*:-.,_,. -:*?`?*:-...,_,-:*?`?*:-.,_,.-:
> *?`?*
>
> >THIRD DEGREE
>
> >A blonde suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her, so she goes out
> and
>
> >buys a gun. She goes to his apartment unexpectedly and when she opens
> the
>
> >door she finds him in the arms of a redhead.
>
> >Well, the blonde is really angry. She opens her purse to take out the
>
> >gun,and as she does so, she is overcome with grief.
>
> >She takes the gun and puts it to her head.
>
> >The boyfriend yells, 'No, honey, don't do it!!!'
>
> >The blonde replies, 'Shut up, you're next!'
>
> >`?*:-.,_,.-:*?`?*:-.,_,.-:*?`?*:-.,_,.-:*?`?*:-.,_,-:*?`?*:-.,_,.-: *?
> `?*
>
> >FOURTH DEGREE
>
> >A blonde was bragging about her knowledge of state capitals.
>
> >She proudly says, 'Go ahead, and ask me, I know all of them.'
>
> >A friend says, 'OK, what's the capital of Wisconsin ?'
>
> >The blonde replies, 'Oh, that's easy: W.'
>
> >`?*:-.,_,.-:*?`?*:-.,_,.-:*?`?*:-.,_,.-:*?`?*:-.,_,-:*?`?*:-.,_,.-: *?
> `?*
>
> >FIFTH DEGREE
>
> >What did the blonde ask her doctor when he told her she was pregnant?
>
> >'Is it mine?'
>
> >`?*:-.,_,.-:*?`?*:-.,_,.-:*?`?*:-.,_,.-:*?`?*:-.,_,-:*?`?*:-.,_,.-: *?
> `?*
>
> >SIXTH DEGREE
>
> >Returning home from work, a blonde finds it ransacked and
> burglarized.
>
> >She telephoned the police at once and reported the crime.
>
> >The police dispatcher broadcast the call on the radio,and a K-9 unit,
>
> >patrolling nearby was the first to respond.
>
> >As the K-9 officer approached the house with his dog on a leash,
>
> >the blonde ran out on the porch, shuddered at the sight of the cop and
> his
>
> >dog, then sat down on the steps.
>
> >Putting her face in her hands, she moaned, 'I come home to find all
> my
>
> >possessions stolen.
>
> >I call the police for help, and what do they do?
>
> >They send me a BLIND policeman.'
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neil
Forum Owner / Moderator
United Kingdom
2623 Posts |
Posted - 25 Jun 2012 : 17:28:40
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These might have come from Tommy Cooper!!!
Two blondes walk into a building --- you'd think at least one of them would have seen it.
A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only clingfilm for shorts. The shrink says, 'Well, I can clearly see you're nuts.'
I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day --- but I couldn't find any.
My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli --- a strong currant pulled him in
Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly so they lit a fire in the craft. It sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it.
Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself
Man goes to the doctor with a strawberry growing out of his head. Doc says, 'I'll give you some cream to put on that.
'Doc, I can't stop singing: 'The Green, Green Grass of Home.' Doc says, 'That sounds like the Tom Jones Syndrome. ' 'Is it common, doc?' 'Well, it's not unusual.
Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, and the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.
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Guiseppe
Average Member
United Kingdom
47 Posts |
Posted - 25 Jun 2012 : 19:52:39
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Hav'nt had an Irish joke for a while so with the usual profuse apologies to all Irish forum readers here goes :
IRISH FURNITURE DEALER
Murphy, a furniture dealer from Dublin, decided to expand the line of furniture in his store, so he decided to go to Paris to see what he could find.
After arriving in Paris, he visited with some manufacturers and selected a line that he thought would sell well back home.
To celebrate the new acquisition, he decided to visit a small bistro and have a glass of wine.
As he sat enjoying his wine, he noticed that the small place was quite crowded,and that the other chair at his table was the only vacant seat in the house.
Before long, a very beautiful young Parisian girl came to his table; asked him something in French (which Murphy couldn't understand); so he motioned
to the vacant chair and invited her to sit down. He tried to speak to her in English, but she did not speak his language. After a couple of minutes of trying to communicate with her, he took a napkin and drew a picture of a wine glass and showed it to her. She nodded, so he ordered a glass of wine for her.
After sitting together at the table for a while, he took another napkin, and drew a picture of a plate with food on it, and she nodded. They left the bistro and found a quiet cafe that featured a small group playing romantic music. They ordered dinner..... after which he took another napkin and drew a picture of a couple dancing. She nodded, and they got up to dance.
They danced until the cafe closed and the band was packing up. Back at their table, the young lady took a napkin and drew a picture of a four-poster bed.
To this day, Murphy has no idea how she figured out he was
in the furniture business.
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roosterbri
Advanced Member
United Kingdom
553 Posts |
Posted - 26 Jun 2012 : 05:30:12
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While we are punning it
Phunographics
I changed my iPod's name to Titanic.
It's syncing now.
When chemists die,
they barium.
Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.
I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid.
He says he can stop any time.
How does Moses make his tea?
Hebrews it.
I stayed up all night to see where the sun went.
Then it dawned on me.
This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I'd never met herbivore.
I'm reading a book about anti-gravity.
I just can't put it down.
I did a theatrical performance about puns.
It was a play on words.
They told me I had type-A blood,
but it was a Type-O.
PMS jokes aren't funny; period.
Why were the Indians here first?
They had reservations.
We’re going on a class trip to the Coca-Cola factory.
I hope there's no pop quiz.
I didn't like my beard at first.
Then it grew on me.
Did you hear about the cross-eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn't control her pupils?
When you get a bladder infection
urine trouble.
Broken pencils are pointless.
I tried to catch some fog, but I mist.
What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary?
A thesaurus.
England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool .
I used to be a banker,
but then I lost interest.
I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx.
All the toilets in New York 's police stations have been stolen.
The police have nothing to go on.
I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.
Haunted French pancakes give me the crêpes.
Velcro — what a rip off!
A cartoonist was found dead in his home.
Details are sketchy.
Venison for dinner again?
Oh, deer!
The earthquake in Washington obviously was the government's fault |
Edited by - roosterbri on 26 Jun 2012 05:31:03 |
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roosterbri
Advanced Member
United Kingdom
553 Posts |
Posted - 08 Jul 2012 : 13:45:02
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A young girl started work in the village chemist shop. She was very shy about having to sell condoms to the public. The owner was going on holiday for a couple of days and asked if she would be willing to run the shop on her own. She had to confide in him her worries about selling the contraceptives.
"Look," he said. "My regular customers dont ask for condoms, they'll ask for a 310 [small] a 320[medium] or a 330[large]. The word condom wont even be used.
The first day was fine but on the second day a black guy came in to the shop, put out his hand and said "350".. The girl panicked. She phoned the owner on his mobile and told him of her predicament.
" Go back in and check if he has a yellow bucket hanging between his legs" her boss told her.
She peeped through the door and saw the yellow bucket hanging between his legs. "Yes "!!!! she said " He's got one hanging there"....!>> The boss said "Go back in and give him £3-50. He is the window cleaner. |
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roosterbri
Advanced Member
United Kingdom
553 Posts |
Posted - 09 Jul 2012 : 10:30:56
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Now this is what I call a sense of humour ...
While contemplating His creation of wives, God promised men that good and obedient wives would be found in all corners of the world; after which He smiled and made the earth round.
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roosterbri
Advanced Member
United Kingdom
553 Posts |
Posted - 10 Jul 2012 : 11:02:48
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Two Thai girls asked me if I'd like to go bed with them - they said it would be just like winning the lotto!
I agreed, and they were right. We all stripped off and, to my horror, we had six matching balls!
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roosterbri
Advanced Member
United Kingdom
553 Posts |
Posted - 11 Jul 2012 : 05:22:03
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The wife left a note on the fridge "It's not working, I can't take it anymore!! Gone to stay with my Mother"
I opened the fridge, the light came on and the beer was cold.........
F**k knows what she was on about!
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roosterbri
Advanced Member
United Kingdom
553 Posts |
Posted - 18 Jul 2012 : 06:14:08
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Three virgin sisters were all getting married within a short time period.
Mum was a bit worried about how their sex life would get started and made them all promise to send a postcard from the honeymoon with a few words on their first impressions
of marital sex.
The first girl sent a card from Hawaii two days after the wedding.
The card saidnothing but: “Nescafe”.
Puzzled at first, Mum went to her kitchen and got out the Nescafe jar.
It said: “Good till the last drop”. Mum blushed, but was pleased for her daughter.
The second girl sent the card from the Maldives a week after the wedding, and
the card read: “Rothmans”.
Mum now knew to go straight to her husband's cigarettes to read from the pack:
“Extra Long. King Size”. She was again slightly embarrassed but still happy for her daughter.
The third girl departed for her honeymoon in New Zealand .
Mum waited for a week, nothing.
Another week went by and still nothing.
A month passed; still nothing..
A card finally arrived from Auckland on which was written with shaky hand, “Air New Zealand “..
Mum took out her latest travel magazine, flipped through the pages fearing the worst,
and finally found the ad for Air NZ.
'Ten times a day, seven days a week, both ways.'
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roosterbri
Advanced Member
United Kingdom
553 Posts |
Posted - 20 Jul 2012 : 15:36:53
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| It's FRIDAY everyone!! BUTT DANCE!! (_/_)(_l_)(_\_)(_l_)(_/#8203;_)(_l_)(_\_) Boom Chica Boom Boom Chica Chica Boom Boom |
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roosterbri
Advanced Member
United Kingdom
553 Posts |
Posted - 25 Jul 2012 : 05:53:58
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Explosion at a pie factory in Huddersfield.
3.14159265 dead.
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roosterbri
Advanced Member
United Kingdom
553 Posts |
Posted - 25 Jul 2012 : 11:41:01
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I've been saving a fortune lately.
Instead of spending a fortune ringing expensive sex lines,
I ring the Samaritans and say, "talk dirty or I'll kill myself!"
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Edited by - roosterbri on 25 Jul 2012 11:41:37 |
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roosterbri
Advanced Member
United Kingdom
553 Posts |
Posted - 24 Aug 2012 : 09:53:55
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On the first day, God created the dog and said, sit all day by the door of
your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this I Will
give you a life span of twenty years.
The dog said, "That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten years
and I'll give you back the other ten?"
And God said that it was good.
On the second day, God created the monkey and said, "Entertain people, do
tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I'll give you a twenty-year life
span."
The monkey said, "Monkey tricks for twenty years? That's a pretty long time
to perform. How about I give you back ten like the dog did?"
And God, again said that it was good.
On the third day, God created the cow and said, "You must go into the field
with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give
milk to support the farmer's family. For this, I will give you a life span
of sixty years."
The cow said, "That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty
years. How about twenty and I'll give back the other forty?"
And God agreed it was good.
On the fourth day, God created humans and said, "Eat, sleep, play, marry and
enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you twenty years."
But the human said, "Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my
twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the
ten the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?"
"Okay," said God, "You asked for it."
So that is why for our first twenty years, we eat, sleep, play and enjoy
ourselves. For the next forty years, we slave in the sun to support our
family. For the next ten years, we do monkey tricks to entertain the
grandchildren. And for the last ten years, we sit on the front porch and
bark at everyone.
Life has now been explained to you.
There is no need to thank me for this valuable information. I'm doing it as
a public service. If you are looking for me I will be on the front porch.
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roosterbri
Advanced Member
United Kingdom
553 Posts |
Posted - 19 Sep 2012 : 14:10:58
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You don't have to be Catholic to appreciate this one!!!
A man suffered a serious heart attack while shopping in a store. The store clerks called 999 when they saw him collapse to the floor. The paramedics rushed the man to the nearest hospital where he had emergency open heart bypass surgery.
He awakened from the surgery to find himself in the care of nuns at the Catholic Hospital he was taken to. A nun was seated next to his bed holding a clip board loaded with several forms, and a pen. She asked him how he was going to pay for his treatment.
"Do you have health insurance?" she asked.
He replied in a raspy voice, "No health insurance."
The nun asked, "Do you have money in the bank?"
He replied, "No money in the bank."
"Do you have a relative who could help you with the payments?" asked the irritated nun.
He said, "I only have a spinster sister, and she is a nun."
The nun became agitated and announced loudly, "Nuns are not spinsters! Nuns are married to God."
The patient replied, "Perfect.Send the bill to my brother-in-law."
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deb8
Average Member
59 Posts |
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Nigel
Senior Member
United Kingdom
238 Posts |
Posted - 07 Oct 2012 : 19:59:03
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The traffic light on the corner buzzes when it's on red and safe to cross the road. I was crossing with an intellectually challenged friend of mine.
She asked if I knew what the buzzer was for. I explained that it signals blind people when the light is red. Appalled, she responded, 'What on earth are blind people doing driving?!'
She is a Local County Council employee in Harrow, Middlesex.
Nicked from Facebook. |
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Nigel
Senior Member
United Kingdom
238 Posts |
Posted - 07 Oct 2012 : 20:03:29
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Also from Facebook,
I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport employee asked, 'Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?' To which I replied, 'If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?' He smiled knowingly and nodded, 'That's why we ask.'
Happened at Luton Airport |
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roosterbri
Advanced Member
United Kingdom
553 Posts |
Posted - 10 Oct 2012 : 09:13:09
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Bert feared his wife Peg wasn't hearing as well as she used to and he
> thought she might need a hearing aid.
>
> Not quite sure how to approach her, he called the family Doctor to discuss
> the problem.
>
> The Doctor told him there is a simple informal test the husband could
> perform to give the Doctor a better idea about her hearing loss.
>
> 'Here's what you do,' said the Doctor, 'stand about 40 feet away from her,
> and in a normal conversational speaking tone see if she hears you. If not,
> go to 30 feet, then 20 feet, and so on until you get a response.'
>
> That evening, the wife is in the kitchen cooking dinner, and he was In the
> den. He says to himself, 'I'm about 40 feet away, let's see what happens.'
> Then in a normal tone he asks, 'Honey, what's for dinner?'
>
> No response!!
>
> So the husband moves closer to the kitchen, about 30 feet from his wife and
> repeats, 'Peg, what's for dinner?'
>
> Still no response!!
>
> Next he moves into the dining room where he is about 20 feet from his Wife
> and asks, 'Honey, what's for dinner?'
>
> Again he gets no response!!.
>
> So, he walks up to the kitchen door, about 10 feet away. 'Honey, what's for
> dinner?'
>
> Again there is no response!!
>
> So he walks right up behind her. 'Peg, what's for dinner?'
>
> (I just love this)
>
> 'For F*$@ sake, Bert, for the FIFTH time, CHICKEN!' |
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Nigel
Senior Member
United Kingdom
238 Posts |
Posted - 18 Oct 2012 : 11:08:52
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| I'm sick & tired of my friends who can't handle their alcohol,the other night they dropped me 3 times carrying me to the car. |
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Nigel
Senior Member
United Kingdom
238 Posts |
Posted - 22 Oct 2012 : 13:20:08
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A Cheating husband decided to write this letter
to his wife. My Dear Wife, You will surely
understand that I have certain needs that you,
Being 54 years old, can no longer satisfy. I am
very happy with you and I value you as a good
wife, however, after reading this letter I hope
you will not wrongly interpret the fact that I will
be spending the evening with my 18 years old
secretary at the Comfort Inn Hotel. Please don't
be upset, I shall be back before midnight".
When the man came home late that night he
found a reply of his letter on the dining room
table: My Dear Husband, I received your letter
and thank you for your honesty about my being
54 years old. I would like to take this
opportunity to remind you that you are also 54
years old. As you know, I am a maths teacher at
our local college. I would like to inform you that
while you read this, I will be at the Hotel Fiesta
with Michael, one of my students, who is also
the assistant tennis coach. He is young,virile and like your secretary, he is 18 years old. You being a successful businessman with an excellent knowledge of maths you will understand that we are in the same situation, although with one small difference; 18 goes into 54 a lot more times than 54 goes into 18.
Therefore I will not be home until sometime tomorrow!!! |
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roosterbri
Advanced Member
United Kingdom
553 Posts |
Posted - 24 Oct 2012 : 05:50:19
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| Went to the doctors as I had a lettuce appearing from my bum.... Turned out this was just the tip of the iceberg... |
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Nigel
Senior Member
United Kingdom
238 Posts |
Posted - 24 Oct 2012 : 12:21:11
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One day, an old, blind cowboy wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake. He finds his way to a bar stool and orders some coffee.
After sitting there for a while, he yells to the waiter, 'Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?'
The bar immediately falls absolutely silent. In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says,
'Before you tell that joke, Cowboy, I think it is only fair, given that you are blind, that you should know five things:
1 The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.
2 The bouncer is a blonde girl.
3 I'm a 6-foot tall, 175-pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate.
4 The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weightlifter.
5 The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.
'Now, think about it seriously, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?'
The blind cowboy thinks for a second, shakes his head, and mutters, 'No, not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times.' |
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roosterbri
Advanced Member
United Kingdom
553 Posts |
Posted - 25 Oct 2012 : 12:45:44
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___________________________________________________________
Thought from the Greatest Living Scottish Thinker--Billy Connolly.
"If women are so bloody perfect at multitasking,
How come they can't have a headache and sex at the same time?"
____________________________________________________________
Children Are Quick
TEACHER: Why are you late?
STUDENT: Class started before I got here.
____________________________________
TEACHER: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?
JOHN: You told me to do it without using tables.
__________________________________________
TEACHER: Glenn, how do you spell 'crocodile?' GLENN: K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L'
TEACHER: No, that's wrong
GLENN: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.
(I Love this child)
____________________________________________
TEACHER: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?
DONALD: H I J K L M N O.
TEACHER: What are you talking about?
DONALD: Yesterday you said it's H to O.
__________________________________
TEACHER: Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago.
WINNIE: Me!
__________________________________________
TEACHER: Glen, why do you always get so dirty?
GLEN: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.
_______________________________________
TEACHER: Millie, give me a sentence starting with ' I. '
MILLIE: I is..
TEACHER: No, Millie.... Always say, 'I am.'
MILLIE: All right... 'I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.'
________________________________
TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but also admitted it. Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn't punish him?
LOUIS: Because George still had the axe in his hand....
______________________________________
TEACHER: Now, Simon , tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?
SIMON: No sir, I don't have to, my Mom is a good cook.
______________________________
TEACHER: Clyde , your composition on 'My Dog' is exactly the same as your brother's.. Did you copy his?
CLYDE : No, sir. It's the same dog.
(I want to adopt this kid!!!)
___________________________________
TEACHER: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?
HAROLD: A teacher
__________________________________
PASS IT AROUND AND MAKE SOMEONE LAUGH
Due to current economic conditions the light at the end of the tunnel has been turned off.
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roosterbri
Advanced Member
United Kingdom
553 Posts |
Posted - 15 Nov 2012 : 15:09:21
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A Tennessee couple --Dave and Rebecca both bona fide rednecks had nine children.
They went to the doctor to see about getting Dave ""Fixed""
The doctor gladly started the required procedures and asked them what finally made them make the decision. Why after 9 children would they choose to do thid??
Dave replied that they had read a recent article that 1 out of every 10 child being born in the United States was Mexican and they did not want to take the chance on having a Mexican baby because neither of them spoke Spanish......boom boom!! |
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roosterbri
Advanced Member
United Kingdom
553 Posts |
Posted - 28 Nov 2012 : 05:05:28
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'Viagra' is now available
in powder form
for your tea.
It doesn't enhance your sexual performance
but it does stop your biscuit going soft..
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More Jokes (Not for prudes..contains humour)
