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Advanced Member

United Kingdom
553 Posts

Posted - 28 Nov 2012 :  10:30:47  Show Profile  Reply with Quote

I am still laughing writing this
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Advanced Member

United Kingdom
553 Posts

Posted - 03 Dec 2012 :  11:43:11  Show Profile  Reply with Quote

Over the last month I have become a victim of a clever 'Eastern European' scam while out shopping. Simply dropping into Sainsbury's supermarket for a bit of shopping turned out to be quite an experience.

Don't be naive enough to think it couldn't happen to you or your friends.

Here's how the scam works:

Two seriously good-looking voluptuous 20-21 year-old girls come over to your car as you are packing your shopping into the boot. They both start cleaning your windscreen, their breasts almost falling out of their skimpy T-shirts. When you thank them and offer them a tip, they'll say 'No' and instead ask you for a lift to another supermarket, in my case, Asda.

You agree and they both get in the back seat. On the way, they start undressing, until both are completely naked. Then, when you pull over to remonstrate, one of them climbs over into the front seat and starts crawling all over your lap, kissing you, touching you intimately, and thrusting herself against you, while the other one steals your wallet!

I had my wallet stolen October 4th, 9th,10th, twice on the 15th, 17th, 20th, 24th and 29th. On November 1st, 4th, 6th, 10th and 13th and twice yesterday.

So please warn all the older men you know to be on the lookout for this scam.

The best times seem to be just before lunch and about 4:30 in the afternoon.

P.S. Aldi have cheap wallets on sale for £1.99 each but Lidl wallets are £1.75 and look better

Edited by - roosterbri on 03 Dec 2012 11:44:04
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Advanced Member

United Kingdom
553 Posts

Posted - 10 Dec 2012 :  12:06:27  Show Profile  Reply with Quote
Cherie Blair is touring the countryside in a chauffeur-driven car. Suddenly, a cow jumps out into the road, they hit it full on and the car comes to a stop.

Cherie, in her usual charming manner, says to the chauffeur: 'You get out and check - you were driving.

'The chauffeur gets out, checks and reports that the animal is dead.

"You were driving; go and tell the farmer, ' says Cherie.

Five hours later, the chauffeur returns totally plastered, hair ruffled with a big grin on his face.

'My goodness, what happened to you?' asks Cherie.

The chauffeur replies: ' When I got there, the farmer opened his best bottle of malt whisky, the wife gave me a slap-up meal and the daughter made love to me. '

'What on earth did you say?' asks Cherie. ' I knocked on the door, and when it was answered, I said to them: ' I'm Cherie Blair's chauffeur and I've just killed the cow.
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Advanced Member

United Kingdom
553 Posts

Posted - 21 Dec 2012 :  13:17:56  Show Profile  Reply with Quote
Feeling depressed? OK, try this and you will feel a lot worse !

The new breadwinner in the UK:

Here’s how a doctor explains it:

A woman in her late 20's came to the hospital today with her 8th pregnancy
She said to me me "My mum told me that I am the breadwinner for the family."
I asked her to explain. She said that she can make babies and babies get money from the State for the family, it's like this:
The Grandma calls the Department for work and pensions, and states that the unemployed daughter is not capable of caring for all of her kids. DWP agrees, and tells her the children will need to go into foster care.
The Grandma then volunteers to be the foster parent, and receives a cheque for £700 per child each month.
Total yearly income:
£58,800 soon to become £67200 when the 8th one is born, tax-free and nobody has to go to work!
In fact, they get more if there is no husband/father/man in the home! The brother does not count.
Not to mention free dental treatment, free housing, free council tax free school dinners, free tuition fees at college or Uni, free eyecare and glasses, free prescriptions and various other benefits...
Total value of all benefits combined probably approaching £100,000 per annum which would require an income of around £148000 to create.

That's about my salary as a senior consultant with years of experience and surgical skills in a central London teaching hospital.

Indeed, Grandma was correct that her fertile daughter is the "breadwinner" for the family.

This is how the politicians spend our taxes. When this generous programme was invented in the '60s, the Great Society architects forgot to craft an end date... and now we are hopelessly overrun with people who vote only for those who will continue to keep them on the dole.....

No wonder our country is broke!

Worse, our Muslim brothers have been paying attention, and by mandating that each Muslim family have eleven children, they will soon replace the voting bloc above and can be running this country.
Are we alarmed yet, is anybody listening?

Sebastian J. Ciancino - Urologist,
Guys Hospital trust - London

Don't forget to pay your taxes!!
There are a lot of “breadwinners” depending on you!

Well? Is anybody listening??

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Advanced Member

United Kingdom
553 Posts

Posted - 26 Dec 2012 :  06:44:14  Show Profile  Reply with Quote
A senior citizen drove his brand new BMW Z4 convertible out of the car salesroom. Taking off down the motorway, he floored it to 100mph, enjoying the wind blowing through what little hair he had left.

· "Amazing!" he thought as he flew down the M1, enjoying pushing the pedal to the metal even more. Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a police car behind him, blue lights flashing and siren blaring.

· "I can get away from him - no problem!" thought the elderly nutcase as he floored it to 120mph, then 130mph, then 140mph. Suddenly, he thought, "What on earth am I doing? I'm too old for this nonsense!"

· So he pulled over to the side of the road and waited for the police car to catch up with him.

· Pulling in behind him, the police officer walked up the driver's side of the BMW, looked at his watch and said, "Sir, my shift ends in 10 minutes. Today is Friday and I'm taking off for the weekend. If you can give me a reason why
you were speeding that I've never heard before, I'll let you go."

· The old man, looked very seriously at the policeman, and replied, "5 years ago, my wife ran off with a policeman. I thought you were bringing her back!!"

"Have a good day, Sir", said the policeman ..
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Advanced Member

United Kingdom
553 Posts

Posted - 30 Dec 2012 :  06:12:47  Show Profile  Reply with Quote
Pfizer Corp. announced today that Viagra will soon be available in liquid form, and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage suitable for use as a mixer.

It will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one. Obviously we can no longer call this a soft drink, and it gives new meaning to the names of "cocktails", "highballs" and just a good old-fashioned "stiff drink". Pepsi will market the new concoction by the name of:
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Advanced Member

United Kingdom
553 Posts

Posted - 31 Dec 2012 :  11:23:55  Show Profile  Reply with Quote
Scouse kid says to his mate, "How do you spell Darell?”
Mate says, "D-a-r-y-l, why, what do you want to know that for?"
He says, "It's me dad's birthday next week. I'm gettin' him some of them new trainers and I'm texting me Ma so I get a size Daryl fit him."
Mate says: "It's not Daryl you dickhead... It's Worrall!"
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Advanced Member

United Kingdom
553 Posts

Posted - 31 Dec 2012 :  12:46:29  Show Profile  Reply with Quote
I’ll never understand women!
My missus hasn’t spoken a word to me since Christmas morning.
She’d told me she wanted something that would put a huge smile on her face this Christmas.
So I bought her a face paint kit.
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Advanced Member

United Kingdom
553 Posts

Posted - 31 Dec 2012 :  12:48:40  Show Profile  Reply with Quote
Mary was cheating on her husband Paddy with another man when they heard a noise on the stairs.
"Oh, my God, your husband is home! What am I going to do?"
"Just stay in bed with me. He's probably so drunk, he's not going to notice you."
Sure enough, Paddy crawled into bed, but as he pulled up the covers, he exposed six feet.
"Bejasus Mary!" he yelled. "What the heck is going on? I see six feet at the end of the bed!"
"Paddy, ya eejit, you're so drunk, you can't count. If you don't believe me, count them again."
Paddy got out of bed and counted: "One, two, three, four.
“Begorrah, you're right, der, Mary!”
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Advanced Member

United Kingdom
553 Posts

Posted - 10 Jan 2013 :  05:55:22  Show Profile  Reply with Quote

Ralph, age 72, is visiting London for the first time. He decides to skip the
afternoon tour and explore the city on his own.

He wanders around, seeing the sights, and occasionally stopping at a quaint
pub to soak up the local culture, chat with the lads, and have a pint of

After a while, he finds himself in a very high-class neighbourhood. Big,
stately residences ... no pubs, no stores, no restaurants, and worst of
all... no public restrooms. He really, really has to go, after all those
beers and that trouble with his prostate.

Ralph finds a narrow side street with high walls surrounding the adjacent
buildings and decides to use the wall to solve his problem.

As he is unzipping, he is tapped on the shoulder by a London bobby
(policeman), who says, "I say, sir, you simply cannot do that here, you

"I'm very sorry, officer," replies Ralph, "but I really, REALLY have to go,
and I just can't find a public restroom.""Ah, yes," says the bobby, "just
follow me."

He leads him to a back delivery alley, then along a wall to a gate, which he
opens. "In there," points the bobbie. "Whiz away, anywhere you want."

Ralph enters and finds himself in the most beautiful garden he has ever
seen. There are manicured lawns, statuary, fountains, sculptured hedges, and
huge beds of gorgeous flowers, all in perfect bloom.

Since he has the cop's blessing, he unburdens himself and is greatly
relieved. As he goes back through the gate, he says to the bobby, "That was
really decent of you. Is that what you call 'British hospitality'?"

"No sir," replied the bobbie, "that is what we call the French Embassy."
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Senior Member

United Kingdom
238 Posts

Posted - 11 Jan 2013 :  19:55:19  Show Profile  Reply with Quote
Saw a really sad AA man this morning...thought to myself he's heading for a breakdown.
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Advanced Member

United Kingdom
553 Posts

Posted - 17 Jan 2013 :  12:22:11  Show Profile  Reply with Quote
After the recent disclosure of horsemeat in Tesco Burgers M & S are concerned to note camel toes in their leggings!!
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Advanced Member

United Kingdom
553 Posts

Posted - 01 Feb 2013 :  15:00:23  Show Profile  Reply with Quote

Trevor decided to marry his long time girlfriend.

One evening, after the honeymoon, he was cleaning his golf shoes.

His new wife Sylvia, was standing there watching him. After a long
period of silence she finally spoke.

"Trevor, darling now that we are married I think it's time you gave up
golf. Perhaps you should consider selling your clubs." Trev looked

She said, “Darling, what's wrong?"

"For a minute there, you were sounding like my ex-wife" Trevor replied.

Ex wife!” she gasped, “You didn't tell me you'd been married before!"

”I haven't!” he replied.

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Advanced Member

United Kingdom
553 Posts

Posted - 01 Feb 2013 :  15:01:24  Show Profile  Reply with Quote
I have a little Satnav, it sits there in my car.

A Satnav is a driver's friend, it tells you where you are

I have a little Satnav, I've had it all my life.

It isn’t like the normal ones -

"My Satnav is my wife"

It gives me full instructions, especially how to drive - "It's thirty miles an hour", it says,
"You're doing thirty five."

It tells me when to stop and start and when to use the brake, tells me that it's never ever safe to overtake.

It tells me when a light is red
and when it goes to green -
It seems to know instinctively
Just when to intervene.

It lists the vehicles in front and all those to the rear, and taking this into account it specifies my gear.

I'm sure no other driver has so helpful a device, for when we leave and lock the car it still gives its advice!

It fills me up with counselling each journey's pretty fraught,
so why don't I exchange it and get a quieter sort?

Well, you see, it cleans the house, makes sure I'm properly fed, wwashes all my shirts and things and - keeps me warm in bed!

Despite all these advantages and my tendency to scoff, I do wish that once in a while . .
I could turn the damned thing off.
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Advanced Member

United Kingdom
553 Posts

Posted - 02 Feb 2013 :  05:35:02  Show Profile  Reply with Quote
FIFTY SHADES OF GREY - (a husbands point of view)

The missus bought a Paperback,
down Shepton Mallet way,
I had a look inside her bag;
T'was "fifty shades of grey".

Well I just left her to it,
And at ten I went to bed.
An hour later she appeared;
The sight filled me with dread...

In her left she held a rope;
And in her right a whip!
She threw them down upon the floor,
And then began to strip.

Well fifty years or so ago;
I might have had a peek;
But Mabel hasn't weathered well;
She's eighty four next week!!

Watching Mabel bump and grind;
Could not have been much grimmer.
And things then went from bad to worse;
She toppled off her Zimmer!

She struggled back upon her feet;
A couple minutes later;
She put her teeth back in and said
I am a dominater !!

Now if you knew our Mabel,
You'd see just why I spluttered,
I'd spent two months in traction
For the last complaint I'd uttered.

She stood there nude and naked
Bent forward just a bit
I went to hold her, sensual like
and stood on her left t*t!

Mabel screamed, her teeth shot out;
My god what had I done!?
She moaned and groaned then shouted out:
"Step on the other one"!!

Well readers, I can't tell no more;
About what occurred that day.
Suffice to say my jet black hair,
Turned fifty shades of grey.
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Advanced Member

United Kingdom
553 Posts

Posted - 12 Feb 2013 :  09:32:09  Show Profile  Reply with Quote

An Oirish Story.

An Irishman goes
to the Doctor with botty problems...

'Dactor, it's me ahrse. I'd
loik ya ta teyhk a look, if ya woot'.

So the doctor gets him to drop his pants and takes a

'Incredible'he says, 'there is a £20
note lodged up here.'

he eases the twenty out of the man's bottom, and then a £10 pound note appears.

is amazing!'exclaims the Doctor. ''What do you want me to

'Well fur gadness sake teyhk it out, man! 'shrieks
the patient.

The doctor pulls out the tenner and another twenty appears,
and another and another and another, etc.....

Finally the last note comes out and no more appear.

'Ah Dactor, tank ya koindly, dat's moch batter.
Just out of interest, how moch was in dare den?'

The Doctor counts the pile of cash and says

'Ah, dat'd be roit,'' says the Irishman

(Wait for it...........scroll down.)

'I knew I wasn't feeling two grand..'

It’s the way ya tell ‘em!

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Advanced Member

United Kingdom
553 Posts

Posted - 17 Feb 2013 :  09:52:47  Show Profile  Reply with Quote

One day a florist went to a barber for a haircut. After the cut, he
asked about his bill, and the barber replied, 'I cannot accept money
from you; I'm doing community service this week.' The florist was
pleased and left the shop. When the barber went to open his shop the next

morning, there was a 'thank you' card and a dozen roses waiting for
him at his door.

Later, a cop comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay his
bill, the barber again replied, 'I cannot accept money from you; I'm
doing community service this week.' The cop was happy and left the
shop. The next morning when the barber went to open up, there was
a 'thank you' card and a dozen donuts waiting for him at his door.

Then a Member of Parliament came in for a haircut, and when he went to pay his
bill, the barber again replied, 'I cannot accept money from you. I'm
doing community service this week.' The MP was very
happy and left the shop.

The next morning, when the barber went to open up, there were a dozen
MP's lined up waiting for a free haircut.

And that, my friends, illustrates the fundamental difference between
the citizens of our country and the politicians who run it.
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Advanced Member

United Kingdom
553 Posts

Posted - 05 Mar 2013 :  05:48:49  Show Profile  Reply with Quote
Teacher: asks the kids in class, "What do you want to be when you grow up?"

Little Johnny: "I wanna be a billionaire, going to the most expensive clubs, take the best bitch with me, give her a Ferrari worth over
A million bucks, an apartment in Copacabana, a mansion in Paris, a jet to travel through Europe, an Infinite Visa Card and to make love to her three times a day".

The teacher, shocked, and not knowing what to do with the bad behavior of the child decides not to give importance to what he said and then continues the lesson.

"And you, Mary?"

"I wanna be Johnny's bitch!"
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Advanced Member

United Kingdom
553 Posts

Posted - 12 Mar 2013 :  10:46:09  Show Profile  Reply with Quote
How to start a fight

The Unreasonable Mother-in-law

One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift. The next year, I didn't buy her a gift and when she asked me why, I replied: "Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!" And that's when the fight started....

The Unreasonable Wife

My wife and I were watching 'Who Wants To Be A Millionaire' while we were in bed. I turned to her and said: 'Do you want to have sex?' 'No,' she answered. I then said: 'Is that your final answer?' She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying: 'Yes..' So I said: "Then I'd like to phone a friend." And that's when the fight started....

The Humorless Wife

I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order first. "I'll have the rump steak, rare, please." He said: "Aren't you worried about the ‘mad cow’?" "Nah, she can order for herself.." And that's when the fight started....

The Misinformed Wife

My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school reunion and she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his drink as he sat alone at a nearby table. I asked her: "Do you know him?" "Yes", she sighed. "He's my old boyfriend.... I understand he took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear he hasn't been sober since." "My God!" I said, "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?" And that's when the fight started.....

The Dangerous Wife

When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first, the shed, the boat, making beer; always something more important to me. Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point. When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house. I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again I handed her a toothbrush. I said: "When you finish cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the driveway." The doctors say I will walk again but I will always have a limp.

The Lazy Wife

My wife sat down next to me as I was flipping channels. She asked: "What's on TV?" I said: "Dust." And that's when the fight started....

The Humorless Husband

Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, and slipped quietly into the garage.. I hooked up the boat up to the van and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio and discovered that the weather would be bad all day. I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered: "The weather out there is terrible." My loving wife of 5 years replied: "And, can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?" And that's when the fight started....

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Advanced Member

United Kingdom
553 Posts

Posted - 22 Mar 2013 :  14:46:32  Show Profile  Reply with Quote
Three Englishmen were in the Piranha bar over here last Sunday, St Patrick’s Day, and spotted an Irishman.
One of the Englishmen walked over to the Irishman, tapped him on the shoulder, and said: "Hey, I hear your St. Patrick was a drunken loser".
"Oh really, hmm, didn't know that".
Puzzled, the Englishman walked back to his mates. "I told him St. Patrick was a loser, and he didn't care.”
The second Englishman remarked: "You just don't know how to set him off... watch and learn".
So, the second Englishman walked over to the Irishman, tapped him on the shoulder and said: "Hey, I hear your St. Patrick was a lying, cheating, idiotic, low-life scum!"
"Oh really, hmm, didn't know that".
Shocked beyond belief, the Englishman went back to his buddies. "You're right, he's unshakable!"
The third Englishman remarked "Boys, I'll really tick him off... just watch".
So the third Englishman walked over to the Irishman, tapped him on the shoulder and said: "I hear St. Patrick was an Englishman!"
"Yeah, that's what your friends were trying to tell me".
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Advanced Member

United Kingdom
738 Posts

Posted - 02 May 2013 :  23:07:14  Show Profile  Reply with Quote

After he retired, his wife insisted that he accompany her on her trips to our local superstore.
Unfortunately, like most men, he found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunate, his wife is like most women - she loves to browse.
Yesterday his dear wife, Joan received the following letter from the store:

Dear Mrs Turnbull,
Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behaviour and have been forced to ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against your husband, Mr Turnbull, are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras:
1 June 15: He took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other people's carts when they weren't looking.
2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.
3. July 19:
Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, 'Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away'. This caused the employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her Supervisor that in turn resulted in a union grievance, causing management to lose time and costing the company money.
4. August 4:
Went to the Service Desk and tried to buy a bag of M&Ms on easy payments.
5. August 14:
Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.
6. August 15:
Set up a tent in the camping department and told the children shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department to which twenty children obliged.
7. August 23:
When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?' Paramedics were called.
8. September 4:
Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.
9. September 10:
While handling guns in the sports department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.
10. October 3:
Darted around the store suspiciously while loudly humming the ‘Mission Impossible' theme.
11. October 6:
In the auto department, he practised his 'Madonna look' by using different sizes of funnels.
12. October 18:
Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'
13. October 21:
When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a foetal position and screamed 'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!'
And last, but not least:
14. October 23:
Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in here.' One of the shop assistants passed out.

any comments and views listed above are those of myself personally and not as a Parish Councillor, and in no way reflect opinions of the Parish Council or any other professional bodies
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Advanced Member

United Kingdom
738 Posts

Posted - 02 May 2013 :  23:10:40  Show Profile  Reply with Quote
Local Police hunting the 'knitting needle nutter' who has stabbed six people in the backside over the last 48 hours, believe the attacker could be following some kind of pattern.

any comments and views listed above are those of myself personally and not as a Parish Councillor, and in no way reflect opinions of the Parish Council or any other professional bodies
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Advanced Member

United Kingdom
553 Posts

Posted - 04 May 2013 :  09:39:01  Show Profile  Reply with Quote
Walking can add minutes to your life.
This enables you at 85 years old
To spend an additional 5 months in a nursing
Home at £4,000 per month.

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Advanced Member

United Kingdom
553 Posts

Posted - 04 May 2013 :  09:40:02  Show Profile  Reply with Quote
The only reason I would take up walking
Is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.
I have to walk early in the morning,
Before my brain figures out what I'm doing...

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Advanced Member

United Kingdom
553 Posts

Posted - 04 May 2013 :  09:41:08  Show Profile  Reply with Quote
I do have flabby thighs,
But fortunately my stomach covers them.

The advantage of exercising every day
Is so when you die, they'll say,
'Well, he looks good doesn't he.'

If you are going to try cross-country skiing,
Start with a small country.
I know I got a lot of exercise
The last few years,......
Just getting over the hill.
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Advanced Member

United Kingdom
553 Posts

Posted - 04 May 2013 :  09:42:08  Show Profile  Reply with Quote
We all get heavier as we get older,
Because there's a lot more information in our heads.
That's my story and I'm sticking to it.


Every time I start thinking too much
About how I look,
I just find a pub with a Happy Hour
And by the time I leave,
I look just fine.
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Advanced Member

United Kingdom
553 Posts

Posted - 04 May 2013 :  09:45:01  Show Profile  Reply with Quote
Wife said "Wotcha doin today?"
I said "Nothing"
She said "You did that yesterday"
I said "I wasn't finished"
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Advanced Member

United Kingdom
553 Posts

Posted - 04 May 2013 :  12:10:03  Show Profile  Reply with Quote
If you remeber these you are an old geezer

1. Cap guns
2. Milk deliveries in a glass bottle
3. TV test Patterns
4. Stamp books and redemption centres
5. Aluminium ice cube trays with pull handles
6. Corona deliveries
7. Flash cubes for cameras
8. Virol
9. Prefabs
10.Tapioca pudding with jam at school dinners....yuck!!!
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Advanced Member

United Kingdom
553 Posts

Posted - 09 May 2013 :  12:15:05  Show Profile  Reply with Quote
Cletus is passing by Billy Bob 's hay barn one day when, through a gap in the door, he sees Billy Bob doing a slow and sensual striptease in front of an old John Deere tractor.

Buttocks clenched, he performs a slow pirouette, and gently slides off first the right strap of his overalls, followed by the left. He then hunches his shoulders forward and in a classic striptease move, lets his overalls fall down to his hips, revealing a torn and frayed plaid shirt.

Then, grabbing both sides of his shirt, he rips it apart to reveal his stained T-shirt underneath. With a final flourish, he tears the T-shirt from his body, and hurls his baseball cap onto a pile of hay.

Having seen enough, Cletus rushes in and says, "What the world're ya doing, Billy Bob ?"

"Good grief, Cletus, ya scared the bejeebers out of me," says an obviously embarrassed Billy Bob ..

"But me 'n the wife been havin trouble lately in the bedroom d'partment, and the therapist suggested I do something sexy to a tractor."

(Don't make me come explain this to you! Read the last line again, slowly.)
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Advanced Member

United Kingdom
553 Posts

Posted - 14 May 2013 :  12:24:25  Show Profile  Reply with Quote

Ex -cabinet minister Chris Huhne has been released from jail after serving only 8 weeks of an 8 month sentence.

So when they say "a week is a long time in politics", we now know it's actually equal to a month for everyone else.

* * * *

I’ve just seen Chris Huhne leaving prison in a car.

But I am not sure who was driving.

* * * *

Some Irish bloke came into my pet shop earlier.

"Can I have a red and green parrot please?” he said. “I'm going to a fancy dress party on Saturday dressed as Long John Silver and I really want to look the part."

I said, "I've not got one in at the moment, but I can get you one here for tomorrow morning."

"That's no good!" He said. "I'm having my leg cut off at 9 o'clock!”

* * * *

As an Arsenal fan I was delighted to hear that Fergie had retired.

At least not winning anything will be easier next season.

* * * *

I’m well pleased with my new iPhone.

Although it spends so much time plugged in, it might as well be a bloody landline.

* * * *

I've been to quite a few wakes, but I've yet to attend one that actually worked.

* * * *

Recently, while I was working in the flower beds in the front garden, my neighbours stopped to chat as they returned home from walking their dog. During our friendly conversation, I asked their little girl what she wanted to be when she grows up. She said she wanted to be Prime Minister someday.

Both of her parents, (Labour supporters) were standing there, so I asked her "If you were Prime Minister what would be the first thing you would do?"

She replied... "I'd give food and houses to all the homeless people".

Her parents beamed with pride.

"Wow, what a worthy goal!" I said. "But you don't have to wait until you're Prime Minister to do that!" I told her.

"What do you mean?" she replied.

So I told her: "You can come over to my house and mow the lawn, pull weeds, and trim my hedge, and I'll pay you £50.

“Then you can go over to the grocery store where the homeless guy hangs out, and you can give him the £50 to use toward food and a new house".

She thought that over for a few seconds, then she looked me straight in the eye and asked: "Why doesn't the homeless guy come over and do the work, and you can just pay him the £50?"

I said: "Welcome to Britain."

Her parents aren't speaking to me anymore…

* * * *

My Scottish grandfather died a bitter man.

He could never forgive the b*****d who stole his Titanic ticket.

* * * *

A Catholic nun was sitting on a train opposite a Muslim man wearing a turban, who was eating fresh shrimp.

Every time he ate one, he spat the tail in her direction, requiring her to deflect it.

He finished the box and threw it out the window.

Seeing this, she had enough, and pulled the train's Emergency Cord.

The Muslim looked at her and said, "You'll get fined £250 for doing that, you stupid infidel, worthless Catholic bitch."

She laughed and said, "When I cry rape and they smell your fingers, you'll get 10 years, you towel-headed camel-fxxxer.”

* * * *

As a cricketing family, my Dad was a slip fielder, his Dad was a slip fielder, and now I want to be a slip fielder.

I think it's catching.

* * * *

I was installing a light in the loft today, when I slipped off a joist and put my foot right through the bedroom ceiling. It scared the living daylights out of my girlfriend.

Hardly surprising, though—she kicked me out last August.

* * * *

A German's View on Islam - it's well worth reading.

This is by far the best explanation of the Muslim terrorist situation I have ever read.

The author's references to past history are accurate and clear. It's not a lengthy read, it's easy to understand, and it's well worth the read.

The author of this email is Dr.Emanuel Tanya, a well-known and well-respected psychiatrist.

A man, whose family was German aristocracy prior to World War II, owned a number of large industries and estates. When he was asked how many German people were true Nazis, the answer he gave can guide our attitude toward fanaticism.

'Very few people were true Nazis,' he said, 'but many enjoyed the return of German pride, and many more were too busy to care. I was one of those who just thought the Nazis were a bunch of fools. So, the majority just sat back and let it all happen. Then, before we knew it, they owned us, and we had lost control, and the end of the world had come. My family lost everything. I ended up in a concentration camp and the Allies destroyed my factories.'

We are told again and again by 'experts' and 'talking heads' that Islam is the religion of peace and that the vast majority of Muslims just want to live in peace. Although this unqualified assertion may be true, it is entirely irrelevant. It is meaningless fluff, meant to make us feel better, and meant to somehow diminish the spectre of fanatics rampaging across the globe in the name of Islam.

The fact is that the fanatics rule Islam at this moment in history.

It is the fanatics who march.

It is the fanatics who wage any one of 50 shooting wars worldwide.

It is the fanatics who systematically slaughter Christian or tribal groups throughout Africa and are gradually taking over the entire continent in an Islamic wave.

It is the fanatics who bomb, behead, murder, or honour-kill. It is the fanatics who take over mosque after mosque.

It is the fanatics who zealously spread the stoning and hanging of rape victims and homosexuals.

It is the fanatics who teach their young to kill and to become suicide bombers.

The hard, quantifiable fact is that the peaceful majority, the 'silent majority,' is cowed and extraneous.

Communist Russia was comprised of Russians who just wanted to live in peace, yet the Russian Communists were responsible for the murder of about 20 million people. The peaceful majority were irrelevant.

China's huge population was peaceful as well, but Chinese Communists managed to kill a staggering 70 million people.

The average Japanese individual prior to World War II was not a warmongering sadist. Yet, Japan murdered and slaughtered its way across South East Asia in an orgy of killing that included the systematic murder of 12 million Chinese civilians; most killed by sword, shovel, and bayonet.

And who can forget Rwanda, which collapsed into butchery. Could it not be said that the majority of Rwandans were 'peace loving'?

History lessons are often incredibly simple and blunt, yet for all our powers of reason, we often miss the most basic and uncomplicated of points:

Peace-loving Muslims have been made irrelevant by their silence.

Peace-loving Muslims will become our enemy if they don't speak up, because like my friend from Germany, they will awaken one day and find that the fanatics own them, and the end of their world will have begun.

Peace-loving Germans, Japanese, Chinese, Russians, Rwandans, Serbs, Afghans, Iraqis, Palestinians, Somalis, Nigerians, Algerians, and many others have died because the peaceful majority did not speak up until it was too late.

Now Islamic prayers have been introduced into Toronto and other public schools in Ontario, and, yes, in Ottawa too while the Lord's Prayer was removed (due to being so offensive?) The Islamic way may be peaceful for the time being in our country until the fanatics move in.

In Australia, and indeed in many countries around the world, many of the most commonly consumed food items have the halal emblem on them.

Just look at the back of some of the most popular chocolate bars, and at other food items in your local supermarket.

Food on aircraft have the halal emblem, just to appease the privileged minority who are now rapidly expanding within the nation’s shores.

In the U.K, the Muslim communities refuse to integrate and there are now dozens of “no-go” zones within major cities across the country that the police force dare not intrude upon.

Sharia law prevails there, because the Muslim community in those areas refuse to acknowledge British law.

As for us who watch it all unfold, we must pay attention to the only group that counts - the fanatics who threaten our way of life.

Lastly, anyone who doubts that the issue is serious and just deletes this email without sending it on, is contributing to the passiveness that allows the problems to expand.

So, extend yourself a bit and send this on and on and on! Let us hope that thousands, world-wide, read this and think about it, and they also continue to send it on - before it's too late.

And we are silent......
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Posted - 30 May 2013 :  15:19:23  Show Profile  Reply with Quote
A father and son are walking through the pharmacy when they passed the condoms. The father asked the son "do you know what these are for?" The son replied "Yes dad, we talked about them in sex ed but what I would like to know is why they come in 3, 6 and 12?"
The father replies "the 3's are for high school boys, 1 for Friday, 1 for Saturday and 1 for Sunday." The son then asked "the 6's?" and the father replies "those are for college boys, 2 for Friday, 2 for Saturday and 2 for Sunday." The son then asked "And the 12's?"
The father shakes and bowes his head, then replies "those are for married men, 1 for January, 1 for Febuary, 1 for March....."

Edited by - roosterbri on 30 May 2013 15:20:36
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Posted - 04 Jun 2013 :  15:37:14  Show Profile  Reply with Quote

A man wonders if having sex on the Sabbath is a sin, because he is not sure if sex is WORK or PLAY.

So he goes to a Priest and asks for his opinion on this question.

After consulting the Bible, the Priest says, "My son, after an exhaustive search,
I am positive that sex is WORK and is therefore not permitted on Sundays."

The man thinks, "What does a Priest know about sex?

So he goes to a Minister, who after all is a married man,
and experienced in this matter. He queries the Minister and receives the same reply.
Sex is WORK, and therefore not for the Sabbath.
Not pleased with this reply, he seeks out the ultimate authority, a man of a thousand years of tradition and knowledge.

In other words, he goes to see a Rabbi.

The Rabbi ponders the question, then states, "My son, sex is definitely PLAY.

Shocked, the man replies, "Rabbi, how can you be so sure it is PLAY when so many others tell me sex is WORK?"

The Rabbi softly speaks,

"If sex were WORK, my Wife would have the Maid do it.
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Posted - 06 Jun 2013 :  13:43:49  Show Profile  Reply with Quote

Doctor asks pregnant prostitute, "do you know who the father is?"

She replies-- "For cryin' out loud! If you ate a tin of beans would you know which one made you fart?"
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Posted - 30 Jun 2013 :  13:56:51  Show Profile  Reply with Quote
Three couples got married and spent their honeymoons at the same hotel, where they were all attended to by Jeff the Bellboy.
The first man had married a nurse. Jeff showed them to their room, all the while thinking to himself: "Lucky guy! Nurses are known to be hot to trot."
The second man married a telephone operator. Jeff showed them to their room, while thinking to himself "Wow, he's one lucky dude. Telephone operators have such sexy voices and once you pop that top button—va-va-va-voom!"
The third man married a school teacher. Jeff showed them to their room and thought to himself: "Poor sap. She may be pretty, but teachers are way too frigid."
At 5.30am the following morning, Jeff reported to work.
He expected the teacher's husband to call for breakfast any minute, but was sure the other two wouldn't call until much later in the day. The phone rang at 6am and it was the nurse's husband wanting breakfast.
Jeff took breakfast up to the room and when the husband opened the door, Jeff stepped back in shock. The man's pyjamas were still pressed and his hair nicely combed.
"Sir, what happened?" asked Jeff. "You married a nurse."
"Son, don't ever marry a nurse" the man sourly replied. "All I heard last night was her nagging voice saying 'You're not sanitary, you're not sanitary',"
The phone rang again at 6.30am and this time it was the telephone operator's husband calling for breakfast. Jeff took it to the room as quickly as possible.
When the man opened the door, Jeff stepped back in shock. The man's hair was neatly combed and his pyjamas nicely pressed.
"What happened?" Jeff asked with surprise. "Telephone operators are supposed to be as sexy as their voices."
"Son, don't ever marry a telephone operator!" the man groaned. "All I heard last night was her nasal voice saying, 'Your three minutes are up, your three minutes are up'."
Jeff returned to his desk, sure that the teacher's husband would be calling at any moment.
Finally, at 4pm, the teacher's husband called for breakfast.
Jeff couldn't believe it, but quickly took the breakfast to the couple's room. When the man opened the door, Jeff stepped back in shock. The man was wearing only a pair of boxers, his hair was a mess, and there were scratches all over his chest, arms and legs.
"My goodness sir, what happened to you?" Jeff asked, fearing the worst. "Did you have a fight?"
The man, grinning from ear to ear, happily replied: "No. Son, when you marry be sure it's to a school teacher.
“All I heard last night was her sexy, smooth voice saying, 'We're going to do this over, and over, and over again, until we get it right'."
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Posted - 15 Jul 2013 :  09:30:19  Show Profile  Reply with Quote
Was stopped by the police at a roadside check, and one of the officers was convinced that I was drunk. I had to answer some questions, which would determine whether I was under the influence, or sober.
Policeman: "If you are driving on a road and see two lights, what is it?"
"A car, I think" I replied.
"OK, but is it a Lexus, Ford, or Toyota?"
"No clue," I replied.
"You're drunk!" he said.
I shook my head slightly, being caught off guard.
"But if you meet one light then?" he asked.
"Probably a motorcycle," I replied.
"OK, but is it a Honda, BMW, or a Suzuki?"
"No clue!" I replied.
"You're drunk!" he said again.
Now I was a little angry and so I asked the arrogant officer a question.
"If you see a woman at a corner, with fishnet-stockings, mini-skirt, high-heeled shoes, and lots of makeup, what can it be?" I said.
"Haaa!” the policeman said." It is of course a whore!"
"Correct," I replied.
"But is it your wife, your daughter or your mother?"
They seized my driver’s licence.
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Posted - 15 Jul 2013 :  09:31:30  Show Profile  Reply with Quote
How the Internet Started
(According to the Bible)
In ancient Israel, it came to pass that a trader by the name of Abraham Com did take unto himself a young wife by the name of Dorothy.
And Dot Com was a comely woman, large of breast, broad of shoulder, and long of leg. Indeed, she was often called Amazon Dot Com.
And she said unto Abraham, her husband, "Why dost thou travel so far from town to town with thy goods when thou canst trade without ever leaving thy tent?"
And Abraham did look at her as though she were several saddle bags short of a camel load, but simply said, "How, Dear?"
And Dot replied, "I will place drums in all the towns and drums in between to send messages saying what you have for sale, and they will reply telling you who hath the best price. The sale can be made on the drums and delivery made by Uriah's Pony Stable (UPS)."

Abraham thought long and decided he would let Dot have her way with the drums.

And the drums rang out and were an immediate success. Abraham sold all the goods he had at the top price, without ever having to move from his tent.

To prevent neighbouring countries from overhearing what the drums were saying, Dot devised a system that only she and the drummers knew. It was known as Must Send Drum Over Sound (MSDOS), and she also developed a language to transmit ideas and pictures - Hebrew To The People (HTTP).

And the young men did take to Dot Com's trading as doth the greedy horsefly take to camel dung. They were called Nomadic Ecclesiastical Rich Dominican Sybarites, or NERDS.

And lo, the land was so feverish with joy at the new riches and the deafening sound of drums that no one noticed that the real riches were going to that enterprising drum dealer, Brother William of Gates, who bought off every drum maker in the land.

Indeed he did insist on drums to be made that would work only with Brother Gates' drumheads and drumsticks.

And Dot did say, "Oh, Abraham, what we have started is being taken over by others."

And Abraham looked out over the Bay of Ezekiel, or eBay as it came to be known.

He said, "We need a name that reflects what we are."

And Dot replied, "Young Ambitious Hebrew Owner Operators."

"YAHOO," said Abraham.

And because it was Dot's idea, they named it YAHOO Dot Com.

Abraham's cousin, Joshua, being the young Gregarious Energetic Educated Kid (GEEK) that he was, soon started using Dot's drums to locate things around the countryside.

It soon became known as God's Own Official Guide to Locating Everything (GOOGLE).

That is how it all began.

And that is The Truth.
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Posted - 06 Aug 2013 :  22:06:42  Show Profile  Reply with Quote
A man staggers into an emergency room with two black eyes and a five iron wrapped around his throat.

Naturally the doctor asks him what happened.

“Well it was like this,” said the man. “I was having a quiet game of golf with my wife when she sliced her ball into a pasture of cows. We went to look for it and while I was rooting around, I noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end.”

I walked over and lifted up the tail and sure enough there was my wife’s golf ball…..stuck right in the middle of the cow’s butt. That’s when I made my mistake.

“What did you do?” asks the doctor.

“Well I lifted the tail and yelled to my wife, “Hey this looks like yours!”

(nicked from Facebook)
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Posted - 06 Aug 2013 :  22:21:03  Show Profile  Reply with Quote
(Job interviewer) "What is your biggest weakness"?

(Applicant) "Honesty"

(Interviewer) "I don't think honesty is a weakness"

(Applicant) "I don't give a **** what you think"!

Edited by - BFA on 06 Aug 2013 22:21:42
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Posted - 19 Aug 2013 :  04:54:51  Show Profile  Reply with Quote
Back on January 9th, a group of bikers were riding west on I-74 when they saw a girl about to jump off the Murray Baker Bridge. So they stopped.

George, their leader, a big burly man of 53, gets off his Harley, walks through a group of gawkers, past the State Trooper who was trying to talk her down off the railing, and says,
"Hey Baby.....whatcha doin' up there on that railin'?"
She says tearfully, "I'm going to commit suicide!!"
While he didn't want to appear "sensitive," George also didn't want to miss this "be-a-legend" opportunity either so he asked ..."Well, before you jump, Honey-Babe...why don't you give ole George here your best last kiss?"
So, with no hesitation at all, she leaned back over the railing and did just that ... and it was a long, deep, lingering kiss followed immediately by another even better one.
After they breathlessly finished, George gets a big thumbs-up approval from his biker-buddies, the onlookers, and even the State Trooper, and then says: "Wow! That was the best kiss I have ever had, Honey! That's a real talent you're wasting, Sugar Shorts. You could be famous if you rode with me. Why the hell are you committing suicide?"
"My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl."
It's still unclear whether she jumped or was pushed.
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Posted - 20 Aug 2013 :  05:55:05  Show Profile  Reply with Quote
Women cant please them. I remember booking a table for Valentines day a few years back. I dont know why I bothered. She moaned and moaned all bloody evening. How was I to know she didn't like snooker?
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