| Author |
 Topic  |
|
roosterbri
Advanced Member
United Kingdom
553 Posts |
 Posted - 05 Dec 2011 : 06:11:02
|
10 years ago, I installed halogen puck lights under the kitchen cabinets with all kinds of cool wiring, dimmers, and transformers and other crap. Well,,,, it seems as though halogen bulbs have fallen out of favor with those who think they are smarter than those of us who are smarter than those who think they are smarter than we, and I can't buy the pucks anymore. So ... last summer, I went and bought up all the damn replacement bulbs I could find and stashed them somewhere where I could find them easily in case one burned out.
Well .... tonight one burned out. And do you think I can remember where the H. E. double toothpicks I stashed those bulbs??? ...... NOT .......
We were talking about it and the missus has the same issue. She buys something and puts it away somewhere where she can find it and be damned if she can find it when she needs it.
A suggestion came up that we could write a list of stuff we buy with intent of using later, then putting the list somewhere ....
Well .... I reminded her that we already can't find the crap we buy, and how in the H.E. double toothpicks will we find the list of stuff we've bought and stashed for later use if we can't even manage to find the stuff we've already bought!
End of conversation; perplexed stare in both directions. A swig of beer.
So ,,, tomorrow, ... I have to try to locate Halogen bulbs for the puck lights I installed ten years ago and that I bought replacement bulbs for last summer, and I'll be damned if I can remember where I stashed them.
I have a few other things I need to buy tomorrow too.
I oughta start a list.
|
 |
|
|
roosterbri
Advanced Member
United Kingdom
553 Posts |
Posted - 05 Dec 2011 : 10:14:47
|
Two simple truths in life
SIMPLE TRUTH 1
Partners help each other undress before sex.
However, after sex they always dress on their own.
Moral of the story:
In life, no one helps you once you're screwed.
SIMPLE TRUTH 2
When a lady is pregnant, all her friends touch the stomach and say "congrats".
But, none of them come and touch the man's penis and say "Good job".
Moral of the story:
"Hard work is never appreciated
LMFAO |
|
|
|
roosterbri
Advanced Member
United Kingdom
553 Posts |
Posted - 08 Dec 2011 : 06:33:24
|
I pointed to two old drunks across the bar from us and told my buddy,
"That's us in ten years."
He said, "That's a mirror, dipstick!"
|
|
|
|
roosterbri
Advanced Member
United Kingdom
553 Posts |
Posted - 08 Dec 2011 : 14:07:29
|
A few years back, in a small Texas town, the local madam also operated the local telephone service.
When the police finally arrested her, they found her book of "talent." Each police officer was then assigned to investigate some "girls" from her book.
After a week, the Chief summoned each cop to report his findings.
"Detective Smith, what did you learn about the hookers on your list?"
"Chief, I'm sorry, but I need to disqualify myself," said Smith. "One of the women I interviewed is eighty-four years old and so charming that I have fallen in love with her."
"Dammit, boy!" shouted the Chief. "I'm surprised at you. You've been a cop for 25 years and here you go, falling for the oldest trick in the book!"
|
|
|
|
roosterbri
Advanced Member
United Kingdom
553 Posts |
Posted - 16 Dec 2011 : 11:49:51
|
MURDER AT TESCO'S
Tired of constantly being broke & stuck in an unhappy marriage, a young husband decided to solve both problems by taking out a large insurance policy on his wife with himself as the beneficiary, and then arranging to have her killed.
A 'friend of a friend' put him in touch with a nefarious dark-side underworld figure who went by the name of 'Artie.' Artie explained to the husband that his going price for snuffing out a spouse was 5,000.
The husband said he was willing to pay that amount, but that he wouldn't have any cash on hand until he could collect his wife's insurance money. Artie insisted on being paid at least something up front, so the man opened his wallet, displaying the single pound note that rested inside.
Artie sighed, rolled his eyes, & reluctantly agreed to accept the pound as down payment for the dirty deed.
A few days later, Artie followed the man's wife to the local Tesco Supermarket store. There, he surprised her in the produce department & proceeded to strangle her with his gloved hands. As the poor unsuspecting woman drew her last breath & slumped to the floor, the manager of the produce department stumbled unexpectedly onto the murder scene. Unwilling to leave any living witnesses behind, ol' Artie had no choice but to strangle the produce manager as well.
However, unknown to Artie, the entire proceedings were captured by the hidden security cameras & observed by the store's security guard, who immediately called the police. Artie was caught and arrested before he could even leave the store.
Under intense questioning at the police station, Artie revealed the whole sordid plan, including his unusual financial arrangements with the hapless husband who was also quickly arrested.
The next day in the newspaper, the headline declared...
(You're
going to hate me for this...) * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
!
!
!
!
'ARTIE CHOKES 2 for 1.00 @ TESCO'S
Oh, quit groaning! I don't write this stuff, I receive it from my warped friends and then send it on to you.
|
|
|
|
roosterbri
Advanced Member
United Kingdom
553 Posts |
Posted - 17 Dec 2011 : 06:22:26
|
My budgie broke his leg today so I made him a little splint out of a couple of Swan Vesta's his little face lit up when he tried to walk.. Unfortunately, I forgot to remove the sandpaper from the bottom of his cage.
|
|
|
|
roosterbri
Advanced Member
United Kingdom
553 Posts |
Posted - 17 Dec 2011 : 06:25:21
|
| Last night I reached for my liquid Viagra and accidentally swigged from a bottle of Tippex. I woke this morning with a huge correction |
|
|
|
Nigel
Senior Member
United Kingdom
238 Posts |
Posted - 17 Dec 2011 : 17:19:32
|
CHRISTMAS CAROLS FOR THE DISTURBED ~
* 1. Schizophrenia --- Do You Hear What I Hear?
* 2. Multiple Personality Disorder --- We Three Kings Disoriented Are
* 3. Dementia --- I Think I'll be Home for Christmas
* 4. Narcissistic --- Hark the Herald Angels Sing About Me |
|
|
|
roosterbri
Advanced Member
United Kingdom
553 Posts |
Posted - 20 Dec 2011 : 15:27:03
|
| Posting deleted as considered offensive and racist - Moderator |
|
|
|
roosterbri
Advanced Member
United Kingdom
553 Posts |
Posted - 20 Dec 2011 : 15:30:53
|
| Posting deleted as considered offensive and racist - Moderator |
|
|
|
roosterbri
Advanced Member
United Kingdom
553 Posts |
Posted - 23 Dec 2011 : 10:49:05
|
Han's, a middle-aged German tourist on his first visit to Orlando, Florida, finds the red light district and enters a large brothel. The madam asks him to be seated and sends over a young lady to entertain him.
They sit and talk, frolic a little, giggle a bit, drink a bit, and she sits on his lap. He whispers in her ear and she gasps and runs away! Seeing this, the madam sends over a more experienced lady to entertain the gentleman.
They sit and talk, frolic a little, giggle a bit, drink a bit, and she sits on his lap. He whispers in her ear, and she too screams, "No!" and walks quickly away.
The madam is surprised that this ordinary looking man has asked for something so outrageous that her two girls will have nothing to do with him. She decides that only her most experienced lady, Lola, will do. Lola has never said no, and it's not likely anything would surprise her. So the madam sends her over to Han's. The sit and talk, frolic a little, giggle a bit, drink a bit, and she sits on his lap. He whispers in her ear and she screams, "NO WAY, BUDDY!" and smacks him as hard as she can and leaves.
Madam is by now absolutely intrigued, having seen nothing like this in all her years of operating a brothel. She hasn't done the bedroom work herself for a long time, but she's sure she has said yes to everything a man could possibly ask for. She just has to find out what this man wants that has made her girls so angry. Besides she sees a chance to teach her employees a lesson.
So she goes over to Han's and says that she's the best in the house and is available. She sits and talks with him. They frolic, giggle, drink and then she sits in his lap.
Han's leans forwards and whispers in her ear, "Can I pay in Euros?" |
|
|
|
roosterbri
Advanced Member
United Kingdom
553 Posts |
Posted - 24 Dec 2011 : 10:49:14
|
Four old-timers were playing their weekly game of golf, and one remarked how nice it would be to wake up on Christmas morning, roll out of bed and without an argument, go directly to the golf course, meet his buddies and play a round.
His buddies all chimed in and said, "Let's do it! We'll make it a priority, figure out a way and meet here early Christmas morning."
Months later, that special morning arrives, and there they are on the golf course.
The first guy says, "Boy this game cost me a fortune! I bought my wife such a diamond ring that she can't take her eyes off it.
The 2nd guy said, My wife is at home planning the cruise I gave her. She was up to her eyeballs in brochures."
Number 3 guy says "Well my wife is at home admiring her new car, reading the manual."
They all turned to the last guy in the group who is staring at them like they all had lost their minds.
"I can't believe you all went to such expense for this golf game. I woke up, slapped my wife on the butt and said, 'Well babe, Merry Christmas! It's a great morning for either sex or golf" and she said "Take a sweater |
|
|
|
roosterbri
Advanced Member
United Kingdom
553 Posts |
Posted - 24 Dec 2011 : 12:58:31
|
Four old retired guys are walking down a street in Yuma , Arizona . They
turn a corner and see a sign that says, Old Timers Bar - ALL drinks 10
cents. They look at each other and then go in, thinking, this is too
good to be true.
The old bartender says in a voice that carries across the room, "Come on
in and let me pour one for you! What'll it be, gentlemen?"
There's a fully stocked bar, so each of the men orders a martini. In no
time the bartender serves up four iced martinis"shaken, not stirred"and
says, "That'll be 10 cents each, please."
The four guys stare at the bartender for a moment, then at each other.
They can't believe their good luck. They pay the 40 cents, finish their
martinis, and order another round.
Again, four excellent martinis are produced, with the bartender again
saying, "That's 40 cents, please." They pay the 40 cents, but their
curiosity gets the better of them. They've each had two martinis and
haven't even spent a dollar yet.
Finally one of them says, "How can you afford to serve martinis as good
as these for a dime apiece?"
"I'm a retired tailor from Phoenix ," the bartender says, and I always
wanted to own a bar. Last year I hit the Lottery jackpot for $125
million and decided to open this place. Every drink costs a dime. Wine,
liquor, beer"it's all the same."
"Wow! That's some story!" one of the men says.
As the four of them sip at their martinis, they can't help noticing
seven other people at the end of the bar who don't have any drinks in
front of them and haven't ordered anything the whole time they've been
there.
Nodding at the seven at the end of the bar, one of the men asks the
bartender, "What's with them?"
The bartender says, "They're retired people from Florida . They're
waiting for Happy Hour when drinks are half-price."
|
|
|
|
roosterbri
Advanced Member
United Kingdom
553 Posts |
Posted - 27 Dec 2011 : 05:56:37
|
A teacher asked her third grade class to name things that ended with
Tor that ate things.
The first little boy said, "Alligator."
"Very good James, that's a big word."
The second boy said, "Predator."
" Yes, that's another big word Alan. Very well done."
Little Johnny says, "Vibrator."
After nearly falling off her chair, she says, "That is a big word
Johnny, but it doesn't eat anything."
"Well my sister has one and she says it eats batteries like
there's no tomorrow |
|
|
|
roosterbri
Advanced Member
United Kingdom
553 Posts |
Posted - 28 Dec 2011 : 05:30:49
|
Proposed Cuts to the National Health Service...
The British Medical Association has weighed in on Prime Minister David Cameron's health care proposals.
The Allergists voted to scratch it, but the Dermatologists advised not to make any rash moves.
The Gastroenterologists had a sort of a gut feeling about it, but the neurologists thought the Administration had a lot of nerve.
The Obstetricians felt they were all labouring under a misconception.
Ophthalmologists considered the idea short-sighted.
Pathologists yelled, "Over my dead body!" while the Paediatricians said, "Oh, Grow up!"
The Psychiatrists thought the whole idea was madness, while the Radiologists could see right through it.
The Surgeons were fed up with the cuts and decided to wash their hands of the whole thing.
The ENT specialists didn't swallow it, and just wouldnt hear of it.
The Pharmacologists thought it was a bitter pill to swallow, and the Plastic Surgeons said, "This puts a whole new face on the matter...."
The Podiatrists thought it was a step forward, but the Urologists were pissed off at the whole idea.
The Anaesthetists thought the whole idea was a gas, but the Cardiologists didn't have the heart to say no.
In the end, the Proctologists won out, leaving the entire decision up to the a***holes in London ..
|
|
|
|
roosterbri
Advanced Member
United Kingdom
553 Posts |
Posted - 28 Dec 2011 : 05:36:15
|
BUS TRIP
To help save the economy, the Government will announce next month that
the Immigration Department will start deporting seniors (instead of
illegals) in order to lower Social Security and NHS costs . Older
people are easier to catch and will not remember how to get back home .
I started to cry when I thought of you. Then it dawned on me ... oh, crap
... I'll see you on the bus ! |
|
|
|
roosterbri
Advanced Member
United Kingdom
553 Posts |
Posted - 29 Dec 2011 : 05:36:41
|
A married couple were on holiday in Jamaica . They were touring
around the market-place looking at the goods and such, when they
passed a small sandal shop.
From inside they heard the shopkeeper with a Jamaican accent say,
'You foreigners! Come in. Come into my humble shop.'
So the married couple walked in.
The Jamaican said to them, 'I 'ave some special sandals I tink you
would beinterested in. Dey makes you wild at sex.'
Well, the wife was really interested in buying the sandals after what
the man claimed, but her husband felt he really didn't need them,
being the Sex God that he was.
The husband asked the man, 'How could sandals make you a sex
freak?'
The Jamaican replied, 'Just try dem on, Mon.'
Well, the husband, after some badgering from his wife, finally gave
in and tried them on.
As soon as he slipped them onto his feet, he got this wild look in his
eyes, something his wife hadn't seen before!!
In the blink of an eye, the husband grabbed the Jamaican, bent him
over the table, yanked down his pants, ripped down his own pants,
and grabbed a firm hold of the Jamaican's thighs.
The Jamaican began screaming: 'You got dem on de wrong feet!' |
|
|
|
roosterbri
Advanced Member
United Kingdom
553 Posts |
Posted - 31 Dec 2011 : 06:16:44
|
I saved my mistress' phone number as "LOW BATTERY".
Now, whenever she calls and I'm not around, my wife plugs my phone into the charger.
|
|
|
|
roosterbri
Advanced Member
United Kingdom
553 Posts |
Posted - 09 Jan 2012 : 14:27:02
|
A woman was in town on a shopping trip. She began her day finding the most perfect shoes in the first shop and a beautiful dress on sale in the second. In the third everything had just been reduced to a fiver when her mobile phone rang. It was a female doctor notifying her that her husband had just been in a terrible accident and was in critical condition and in the ICU.
The woman told the doctor to inform her husband where she was and that she'd be there as soon as possible.
As she hung up she realized she was leaving what was shaping up to be her best day ever in the shops. She decided to get in a couple of more shops before heading to the hospital.
She ended up shopping the rest of the morning, finishing her trip with a cup of coffee and a beautiful cream slice complementary from the last shop. She was jubilant.
Then she remembered her husband. Feeling guilty, she dashed to the hospital. She saw the doctor in the corridor and asked about her husband's condition. The lady doctor glared at her and shouted, 'You went ahead and finished your shopping trip didn't you! I hope you're proud of yourself! While you were out for the past four hours enjoying yourself in town, your husband has been languishing in the Intensive Care Unit! It's just as well you went ahead and finished, because it will more than likely be the last shopping trip you ever take! For the rest of his life he will require round the clock care. And you'll now be his carer!'
The woman was feeling so guilty she broke down and sobbed...........
The lady doctor then chuckled and said, 'I'm just pulling your leg. He's dead. What did you buy?'
|
|
|
|
roosterbri
Advanced Member
United Kingdom
553 Posts |
Posted - 12 Jan 2012 : 05:04:48
|
A tough looking group of bikers were out riding when they saw a girl about to jump off a bridge so they stopped.
The leader, a big burly man, gets off his bike and says, "What are you doing?"
"I'm going to commit suicide," she says.
While he did not want to appear insensitive, he didn't want to miss an opportunity so he asked... "Well, before you jump, why don't you give me a kiss?"
So she does... And it was a long, deep lingering kiss.
After she's finished, the biker says, "Wow! That was the best kiss I have ever had. That's a real talent you are wasting. You could be famous. Why are you committing suicide?"
"My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl......"
|
|
|
|
roosterbri
Advanced Member
United Kingdom
553 Posts |
Posted - 12 Jan 2012 : 05:16:46
|
"Welcome to Celebrity Ready Steady Cook. So Anthony, you had 5 to spend ... what's in your bag?".
"Organic chicken, langoustines, rice, stock, wine, scallops, onions, garlic, stilton, brie, goats cheese and 3 bottles of Cava, plus a bottle of Blue Nun and I have 2.74 left over
|
|
|
|
roosterbri
Advanced Member
United Kingdom
553 Posts |
Posted - 15 Jan 2012 : 12:16:44
|
A small boy says to his father "Dad, what's the difference between
'theoretically' and 'realistically'?"
His dad thinks and then says "Right-ho son, go and ask your mother
if she'd sleep with Wayne Rooney for a million quid."
The boy toddles off and comes back saying "Dad, dad, she said she
would! She would sleep with Wayne Rooney for a million pounds."
"OK son," says his dad. "Now go and ask your sister the same question."
The boy toddles off, and comes back saying "Dad, dad, she said she would too!"
So then his dad says "Right, son, now go and ask your brother if
he'd sleep with Wayne Rooney for a million pounds."
The son comes back excitedly saying "Dad! Dad! He said he would too!"
"Well there you have it, son," said his dad. "Theoretically we couldbe sitting on three million quid
Realistically we're living with two tarts and a poof."
|
|
|
|
roosterbri
Advanced Member
United Kingdom
553 Posts |
Posted - 19 Jan 2012 : 12:36:39
|
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Wit of the Scots.
An elderly Scottish Jew has decided to take it a little easier and take up golf. So he puts his name down at the local club.
After a week he receives a message that his application has been turned down. So he goes down to the club to enquire why.
Secretary: You are aware that this is a Scottish golf club?
Scot: Aye but I am as Scottish as you are Jock.
Secretary: This means that on formal occasions we wear kilts.
Scot: Aye, so do I.
Secretary: You are aware that we wear nothing under our kilts?
Scot: Aye, neither do I.
Secretary: But you are a Jew?
Scot: Aye, I be that.
Secretary: So you are circumcised?
Scot: Aye, I be that too.
Secretary: I am terribly sorry, but the members just would not feel comfortable with that.
Scot: Ach, away with ya man. I know that you have to be a Protestant to march with the Orangemen. I know that you have to be a Catholic to become a Knight of Saint Columbus, but this is the first time I heard, that you have to be a complete p***k to join a golf club.
|
|
|
|
roosterbri
Advanced Member
United Kingdom
553 Posts |
Posted - 09 Feb 2012 : 12:17:42
|
From golfing friend a retired OBGYN Doc
Women always say that giving birth is way more painful than a guy getting kicked in the nuts.
Here is proof that they are wrong.
A year or so after giving birth a woman will often say "it might be nice to have another kid".
You never hear a guy say " I would like another kick in the nuts".
Case closed.
|
|
|
|
roosterbri
Advanced Member
United Kingdom
553 Posts |
Posted - 09 Feb 2012 : 12:18:48
|
The Arab and the Scotsman
An Arab Sheik was admitted to St Vincents Hospital for heart surgery, but prior to the surgery, the doctors needed to store his blood in case the need arises. As the gentleman had a rare type of blood, it couldn't be found locally, so, the call went out to all the states.
Finally a Scot was located who had a similar blood type. The Scot willingly donated his blood for the Arab. After the surgery, the Arab sent the Scotsman as appreciation for giving his blood, a new BMW, diamonds & US dollars.
A couple of days later, once again, the Arab had to go through a corrective surgery. His doctor telephoned the Scotsman who was more than happy to donate his blood again.
After the second surgery, the Arab sent the Scotsman a thank-you card & a jar of candies.
The Scotsman was shocked that the Arab this time did not reciprocate his kind gesture as he had anticipated. He phoned the Arab & asked him: "I thought you would be generous again, that you would give me a BMW, diamonds & money... but you only gave me a thank-you card & a jar of candies".
To this the Arab replied: "Aye, but I now have Scottish blood in me veins".__
|
|
|
|
roosterbri
Advanced Member
United Kingdom
553 Posts |
Posted - 15 Feb 2012 : 06:11:26
|
Two little kids are in a hospital, lying on stretchers next to each other outside the operating room, the first surgeries of the day.
The first kid leans over and asks, "What are you in here for?"
The Second kid says, "I'm getting my tonsils out, and I'm afraid."
The first kid says, "You've got nothing to worry about. I had that done when I was four. They put you to sleep, and when you wake up they give you lots of Jell-O and ice cream. It's a breeze.."
The second kid then asks, "What are you here for?"
The first kid says, "Circumcision."
"Whoa!" the second kid replies, "Good luck, buddy. I had that done when I was born. Couldn't walk for a year." |
|
|
|
roosterbri
Advanced Member
United Kingdom
553 Posts |
Posted - 16 Feb 2012 : 10:51:34
|
Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
Politicians and nappies have one thing in common. They should be changed regularly and for the same reason. |
|
|
|
roosterbri
Advanced Member
United Kingdom
553 Posts |
Posted - 18 Feb 2012 : 05:31:25
|
Little Bruce and Jenny are only 10 years old, but they know they are in love. One day they decide that they want to get married, so Bruce goes to Jenny's father to ask him for her hand. Bruce bravely walks up to him and says, "Mr. Smith, me and Jenny are in love and I want to ask you for her hand in marriage." Thinking that this was just the cutest thing, Mr. Smith replies, "Well Bruce, you are only 10..Where will you two live?" Without even taking a moment to think about it, Bruce replies,"InJenny's room. It's bigger than mine and we can both fit there nicely." Still thinking this is just adorable, Mr. Smith says with a huge grin, "Okay, then how will you live? You're not old enough to get a job. You'll need to support Jenny." Again, Bruce instantly replies, "Our allowance, Jenny makes 5 pounds a week and I make 10 pounds a week. That's about 60 pounds a month, so that should do us just fine." Mr. Smith is impressed Bruce has put so much thought into this. "Well Bruce, it seems like you have everything figured out. I just have one more question. What will you do if the two of you should have little children of your own?" Bruce just shrugs his shoulders and says, "Well, we've been lucky so far." Mr. Smith no longer thinks the little b*****d is adorable!!!
|
|
|
|
roosterbri
Advanced Member
United Kingdom
553 Posts |
Posted - 20 Feb 2012 : 05:57:48
|
A dad buys a lie detector robot that slaps people when they lie.
He decides to test it at dinner.
"Son, where were you today?"
The son says, "At school, Dad."
Robot slaps the son.
"Okay, I watched a DVD at my friend's house!" the son says.
"Which DVD?" asks the dad.
"Toy Story."
Robot slaps the son again!
"Okay, it was a porno!" cries the son.
"What? ! When I was your age, I didn't know what porn was," says the dad.
Robot slaps the dad.
Mom laughs, "Hahaha! He certainly is your son!"
Robot slaps the mom.
Awkward silence...
|
|
|
|
roosterbri
Advanced Member
United Kingdom
553 Posts |
Posted - 20 Feb 2012 : 11:17:46
|
Two bowling teams, one of all Blondes and one of all Brunettes,charter a double-Decker bus for a weekend trip to Louisiana.
The Brunette team rode on the bottom of the bus, and the Blonde team rode on the top level.
The Brunette team down below really whooped it up, having a great time, when one of them realized she hadn't heard anything from the Blondes upstairs. She
decided to go up and investigate..
When the Brunette reached the top, she found all the Blondes in fear, staring straight ahead at the road, clutching the seats in front of them with white knuckles..
The brunette asked, 'What the heck's going on up here?
We're having a great time downstairs!'
One of the Blondes looked up at her, swallowed hard and whispered...
'YEAH SURE, YOU'VE GOT A DRIVER'
|
|
|
|
roosterbri
Advanced Member
United Kingdom
553 Posts |
Posted - 29 Feb 2012 : 11:26:23
|
The sad fact is this is true!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A comparison of what you might need to know about bureaucracy within the EU:
Pythagorean theorem: .............................................24 words
Lord's prayer ............................................................66 words
Archimedes' Principle: ..............................................67 words
The 10 Commandments: ........................................179 words
Gettysburg address: ...............................................286 words
US Declaration of Independence : .......................1,300 words
US Constitution with all 27 Amendments: .............7,818words
EU regulations for the sale of cabbage:..............26,911 words
|
|
|
|
roosterbri
Advanced Member
United Kingdom
553 Posts |
Posted - 29 Feb 2012 : 11:36:28
|
A Muslim dies and finds himself before the Pearly Gates..
He is very excited, as all his life he has longed to meet the Prophet Mohammed.
Having arrived at the Gates of Heaven, he meets a man with a beard.
"Are you Mohammed?" he asks.
"No, my son. I am Peter. Mohammed is higher up." And he points to a ladder that
rises into the clouds.
Delighted that Mohammed should be higher than Peter, he climbs the ladder in great strides, climbs through the clouds coming to a room where he meets another bearded man.
He asks again, "Are you Mohammed?"
"No, I am Moses. Mohammed is higher still."
Exhausted, but with a heart full of joy he continues to climb the ladder and, yet again, he discovers an even larger room where he meets another man with a beard.
Full of hope, he asks again, "Are you Mohammed?"
"No, I am Jesus... You will find Mohammed higher up."
Mohammed higher than Jesus!
The poor man can hardly contain his delight and climbs and climbs, ever higher.
Once again he reaches a larger room where he meets a man with a beard and repeats his question:
"Are you Mohammed?" he gasps as he is, by now, totally out of breath from all his climbing.
"No my son.....I am God.. But you look exhausted. Would you like a coffee?"
"Yes, please, my Lord."
God looks behind him, claps his hands and calls out:
"Hey Mohammed, two coffees !!!!" |
|
|
|
roosterbri
Advanced Member
United Kingdom
553 Posts |
Posted - 06 Mar 2012 : 05:50:02
|
During my physical, my doctor asked me about my daily
> > activity level, and so I described a typical day this way:
> >
> > "Well, yesterday afternoon, I waded along the edge of a
> > lake, drank eight beers, escaped from wild dogs in the heavy brush,
> > marched up and down several rocky hills, stood in a patch of poison ivy,
> > crawled out of quicksand, jumped away from an aggressive rattlesnake and
> > took four "leaks" behind big trees."
> >
> > Inspired by the story, the doctor said, "You must be one
> > hell of an outdoors man!"
> >
> > " No," I replied, "I'm just a crappy golfer."
|
|
|
|
roosterbri
Advanced Member
United Kingdom
553 Posts |
Posted - 15 Mar 2012 : 12:14:22
|
I just got sacked from my job with the Samaritans.
A guy called Abdul phoned and said, "I'm lying on the railway track waiting
for the train to come".
All i said was, "Remain calm and stay on the line" . . .
|
|
|
|
roosterbri
Advanced Member
United Kingdom
553 Posts |
Posted - 18 Mar 2012 : 06:14:37
|
I had this email from a lady friend
THIS IS SERIOUS !!!!
You've heard about people who have been abducted and had their
kidneys removed by black-market organ thieves.
My thighs were stolen from me during the night a few years ago. I
went to sleep and woke up with someone else's thighs. It was just
that quick. The replacements had the texture of cooked oatmeal.
Whose thighs were these and what happened to mine?
I spent the entire summer looking for my thighs. Finally, hurt and
angry, I resigned myself to living out my life in jeans. And then
the thieves struck again.
My butt was next. I knew it was the same gang, because they took
pains to match my new rear-end to the thighs they had stuck me with
earlier. But my new butt was attached at least three inches lower
than my original! I realized I'd have to give up my jeans in favor
of long skirts.
Two years ago I realized my arms had been switched. One morning I
was fixing my hair and was horrified to see the flesh of my upper
arm swing to and fro with the motion of the hairbrush. This was
really getting scary - my body was being replaced one section at a
time. What could they do to me next?
When my poor neck suddenly disappeared and was replaced with
a turkey neck , I decided to tell my story.
Women of the world, wake
up and smell the coffee! Those 'plastic' surgeons are using
REAL replacement body parts -stolen from you and me! The next time
someone you know has something 'lifted', look again - was it lifted
from you?
THIS IS NOT A HOAX. This is happening to women everywhere every night.
WARN YOUR FRIENDS!
P. S. Last year I thought someone had stolen my Boobs. I was lying
in bed and they were gone! But when I jumped out of bed, I was
relieved to see that they had just been hiding in my armpits as I
slept. Now I keep them hidden in my waistband.
|
|
|
|
roosterbri
Advanced Member
United Kingdom
553 Posts |
Posted - 23 Mar 2012 : 15:37:24
|
SIMPLE TRUTH 1
Partners help each other undress before sex.
However after sex, they always dress on their own.
Moral of the story: In life, no one helps you once you're screwed.
SIMPLE TRUTH 2
When a lady is pregnant, all her friends touch the stomach and saying "congrats".
But, none of them come and touch the man's penis and say "Good job".
Moral of the story: "Hard work is never appreciated.
No Underwear - Makes Sense to Me
A man came to visit his grandparents, and he noticed his grandfather sitting on the porch in the rocking chair wearing only a shirt, with nothing on from the waist down.
'Grandpa, what are you doing? Your weenie is out in the wind for everyone to see!' he exclaimed.
The old man looked off in the distance without answering.
'Grandpa, what are you doing sitting out here with nothing on below the waist?' he asked again.
The old man slowly looked at him and said, 'Well....last week I sat out here with no shirt on and I got a stiff neck. This is your grandma's idea.'
FIVE RULES TO REMEMBER IN LIFE
1. Money can not buy happiness, but it's more comfortable to cry in a Corvette than on a bicycle.
2. Forgive your enemy, but remember the ass-hole's name.
3. If you help someone when they're in trouble, they will remember you when they're in trouble again.
4. Many people are alive only because it's illegal to shoot them.
5. Alcohol does not solve any problems, but then neither does milk.
THERE YOU HAVE IT...and remember, life is good.
|
|
|
|
roosterbri
Advanced Member
United Kingdom
553 Posts |
Posted - 26 Mar 2012 : 13:13:10
|
Global Facts About Sex
At any given moment:
FACT: 79,000,000 people are having sex - right now.
FACT: 58,000,000 are kissing.
FACT: 37,000,000 are relaxing after having sex.
FACT: 1 old person is reading posts
You hang in there, sunshine
|
|
|
|
roosterbri
Advanced Member
United Kingdom
553 Posts |
Posted - 27 Mar 2012 : 11:11:05
|
A friend of mine just moved into his new house so I took him round a couple of radiators....just a little house warming present.
I've been on the phone for ages trying to book tickets for an Elvis tribute band but it just keeps telling me to press 1 for the money, 2 for the show.........
I woke up last night to find the ghost of Gloria Gaynor standing at the foot of my bed. At first I was afraid, then I was petrified.....
I've just had a reply from Screwfix, they regret to inform me they are not actually a dating agency
I was in the pub last night with my wife and I said 'I love you'. She said is that you or the beer talking? I said 'it's me talking to the beer!!'
My girlfriend thinks I'm a stalker.........well she's not actually my girlfriend yet
|
|
|
|
roosterbri
Advanced Member
United Kingdom
553 Posts |
Posted - 27 Mar 2012 : 11:37:14
|
| I tried to drown my sorrows but the little sods learnt how to swim. |
|
|
|
roosterbri
Advanced Member
United Kingdom
553 Posts |
Posted - 31 Mar 2012 : 11:27:15
|
A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while he's drinking,
the monkey jumps all around the place. The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and
eats them. Then he grabs some sliced limes and eats them. He then jumps onto the pool
table and grabs one of the billiard balls. To everyone's amazement, he sticks it in
his mouth, and somehow swallows it whole. The bartender screams at the guy, "Did you
see what your monkey just did?"
"No, what?"
"He just ate the cue ball off my pool table... whole!"
"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy, "he eats everything in sight.
Sorry! I'll pay for the cue ball and stuff."
The guy finishes his drink, pays his bill, pays for the stuff the monkey ate and
leaves.
Two weeks later the guy is in the bar again, and has his monkey with him. He orders a
drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again. While the man is finishing
his drink, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it
up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it.
Then the monkey finds a peanut, and again sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and
eats it.
The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did just now?"
"No, what?" replied the man.
"Well, he stuck both a maraschino cherry and a peanut up his butt, pulled them out, and
ate them!" said the bartender.
"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy. "He still eats everything in
sight, but ever since he had to poop that cue ball out, he measures everything first now."
|
|
|
|
Topic |
|
|
|
More Jokes (Not for prudes..contains humour)
