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T O P I C    R E V I E W
roosterbri Posted - 18 Nov 2011 : 06:13:05
I was walking down the road and saw my Arab neighbour Abdul standing on his 5th floor balcony shaking a carpet.
I shouted up to him "Whats the matter Abdul? Wont it start?"
40   L A T E S T    R E P L I E S    (Newest First)
neil Posted - 02 Aug 2015 : 09:57:33
joefallon Posted - 25 Jul 2015 : 11:45:56
Puns for Educated Minds

1. The fattest knight at King Arthur's round table was

Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.

2. I thought I saw an eye-doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.

3. She was only a whisky-maker, but he loved her still.

4. A rubber-band pistol was confiscated from an algebra class, because it was a weapon of math disruption.

5. No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.

6. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.

7. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.

8. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.

9. A hole has been found in the nudist-camp wall. The police are looking into it.

10. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

11. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

12. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other:

'You stay here; I'll go on a head.'

13. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.

14. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said:

'Keep off the Grass.'

15. The midget fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

16. The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

17. A backward poet writes inverse.

18. In a democracy it's your vote that counts.

In feudalism it's your count that votes.

19 . When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.

20. If you jumped off the bridge in Paris, you'd be in Seine.

21. A vulture carrying two dead raccoons boards an airplane. The stewardess looks at him and says, 'I'm sorry, only one carrion allowed per passenger.'

22. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. One turns to the other and says, 'Dam!'

23. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

24. Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says, 'I've lost my electron.' The other says, 'Are you sure?' The first replies, 'Yes, I'm positive.'

25. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root-canal?

His goal: transcend dental medication.

26. There was the person who sent ten puns to friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did.

joefallon Posted - 17 Apr 2015 : 08:31:11
A Priest was being honoured at his retirement dinner after 25 years in the parish. A leading local politician and member of the congregation was chosen to make the presentation and to give a little speech at the dinner.

However, he was delayed, so the Priest decided to say his own few words while they waited, 'I got my first impression of the parish from the first confession I heard here. I thought I had been assigned to a terrible place. The very first person who entered my confessional told me he had stolen a television set and, when questioned by the police, was able to lie his way out of it. He had stolen money from his parents, embezzled from his employer, had an affair with his boss' wife, taken illegal drugs, and gave VD to his sister.

I was appalled. But as the days went on I learned that my people were not all like that and I had, indeed, come to a fine parish full of good and loving people.'

Just as the Priest finished his talk, the politician arrived full of apologies at being late. He immediately began to make the presentation and gave his talk, 'I'll never forget the first day our parish Priest arrived,' said the politician. 'In fact, I had the honour of being the first person to go to him for confession.'

Moral of the story: Never ever ever be late!!!

roosterbri Posted - 19 Mar 2015 : 14:30:30


AND FINALLY................

neil Posted - 10 Mar 2015 : 08:39:38
In Lancashire, Jack, age 82, and Ethel, age 79, are all excited about their decision to get married.

They go for a stroll in Blackpool front to discuss their wedding, and on the way to the bus stop for the trip back to Burnley they pass a chemist shop and Jack suggests they go in.

(don’t get ahead of me)

Jack asks the chap behind the counter:
"Are you t’ owner?"

The pharmacist answers, "Yes."

Jack: "We're about to get married. Do you sell heart pills?"

Pharmacist: "Of course we do."

Jack: "How about medicine for t’circulation?"

Pharmacist: "All kinds"

Jack: "Medicine for rheumatism?"

Pharmacist: "Definitely."

Jack: "How about suppositories?"

Pharmacist: "Aye lad"

Jack: "Medicine for memory problems, arthritis, and Alzheimer's?"

Pharmacist: "Yes, a large variety. The works."

Jack: "What about vitamins, sleeping pills, ant’antidotes for Parkinson's disease?"

Pharmacist: "Absolutely."

Jack: "Everything for heartburn and indigestion?"

Pharmacist: "We do..."

Jack: "You sell wheelchairs, them zimmerwhatsits and walking sticks? What about them scooters?

Pharmacist: "All speeds and sizes."

Jack: "Adult incontinence drawers?"

Pharmacist: "Yes."

Jack chatted to Ethel who nodded:

"Then we'd like to use this store for our wedding presents list..."
seagull Posted - 02 Mar 2015 : 18:54:31
A man walks into a Parliament office and says to the receptionist,

"I would like to put my name forward for the forthcoming elections to be a Green M.P.

The receptionist replied, "Certainly sir. Please fill in this form.''

He was filling the form OK until he came to the question - ''Are you circumcised?''

So he asked the receptionist, "Is this question necessary?"

She replied, "If you are circumcised you are not eligible."

He then asked, "What difference does it make if I am circumcised?"

She replied, "To become a Green MP you have to be a complete dick."

roosterbri Posted - 10 Feb 2015 : 12:51:10
A young man named Bob moves into a nudist colony.

He receives a letter from his Grandmother asking him to send her a current photo of himself in his new location.

Too embarrassed to let

her know that he lives in a nudist colony, he cuts a photo in half and
mails it.

The next day he discovers that he had accidentally sent the bottom half of the photo. At first he's really worried but then he remembers how bad his Grandmother's eyesight is, and figures she probably won't notice.

A few weeks later, he receives a letter from his Grandmother, It says:

"Thank you for the nice picture, Bobby. I think you should change your hairstyle... It makes your nose look too short."

Love, Grandma
roosterbri Posted - 19 Dec 2014 : 05:41:51
Ahhhhh……the wisdom of the ages.


A female CNN journalist heard about a very old Jewish man who had been going to the Western Wall to pray, twice a day, every day, for a long, long time.

So she went to check it out. She went to the Western Wall and there he was, walking slowly up to the holy site.

She watched him pray and after about 45 minutes, when he turned to leave, using a cane and moving very slowly, she approached him for an interview.

"Pardon me, sir, I'm Rebecca Smith from CNN. What's your name?

"Morris Feinberg," he replied.

"Sir, how long have you been coming to the Western Wall and praying?"

"For about 60 years."

"60 years! That's amazing! What do you pray for?"

"I pray for peace between the Christians, Jews and the Muslims."

"I pray for all the wars and all the hatred to stop."

"I pray for all our children to grow up safely as responsible adults and to love their fellow man."

"I pray that politicians tell us the truth and put the interests of the people ahead of their own interests."

"How do you feel after doing this for 60 years?"

"Like I'm talking to a ******* wall."

neil Posted - 12 Dec 2014 : 09:25:41
While shepherds watched
Their flocks by night
All seated on the ground
The angel of the Lord came down
And glory shone around

The union of Shepherds has complained that it breaches health and safety regulations to insist that shepherds watch their flocks without appropriate seating arrangements being provided, therefore benches, stools and orthopaedic chairs are now available. Shepherds have also requested that due to the inclement weather conditions at this time of year, they should watch their flocks via CCTV cameras from centrally heated shepherd observation huts.

Please note; the angel of the lord is reminded that before shining his/her glory all around she/he must ascertain that all shepherds have been issued with glasses capable of filtering out the harmful effects of UVA, UVB and Glory.
roosterbri Posted - 10 Dec 2014 : 11:13:53

Actual exchanges between pilots and control towers ...

Tower: "Delta 351, you have traffic at 10 o'clock, 6 miles!"

Delta 351: "Give us another hint! We have digital watches!"

Tower: "TWA 2341, for noise abatement turn right 45 Degrees."
TWA 2341: "Center, we are at 35,000 feet. How much noise can we make up here?"
Tower: "Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes when it hits a 727?"


O'Hare Approach Control to a 747: "United 329 heavy, your traffic is a Fokker, one o'clock, three miles, Eastbound."

United 329: "Approach, I've always wanted to say this....I've got the little Fokker in sight."

A student became lost during a solo cross-country flight. While attempting to locate the aircraft on radar,

ATC asked, "What was your last known position?"

Student: "When I was number one for take-off."


A DC-10 had come in a little hot and thus had an exceedingly long roll out after touching down.

San Jose Tower Noted:
"American 751, make a hard right turn at the end of the runway, if you are able. If you are not able, take the Guadeloupe exit off Highway 101, make a right at the lights and return to the airport."


A Pan Am 727 flight, waiting for start clearance in Munich , overheard the following:

Lufthansa (in German): "Ground, what is our start clearance time?"

Ground (in English): "If you want an answer you must speak in English."

Lufthansa (in English): "I am a German, flying a German airplane, in Germany . Why must I speak English?"

Unknown voice from another plane (in a beautiful British accent): "Because you lost the bloody war!"


Tower: "Eastern 702, cleared for take-off, contact Departure on frequency 124.7"

Eastern 702: "Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure. By the way, after we lifted off we saw some kind of dead animal on the far end of the runway."

Tower: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff behind Eastern 702, contact Departure on frequency 124.7... Did you copy that report from Eastern 702?"

Continental 635: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, roger; and yes, we copied Eastern.... we've already notified our caterers."


One day the pilot of a Cherokee 180 was told by the tower to hold short of the active runway while a DC-8 landed. The DC-8 landed, rolled out, turned around, and taxied back past the Cherokee. Some quick-witted comedian in the DC-8 crew got on the radio and said, "What a cute little plane. Did you make it all by yourself?"

The Cherokee pilot, not about to let the insult go by, came back with a real zinger: "I made it out of DC-8 parts. Another landing like yours and I'll have enough parts for another one."


While taxiing at London 's Airport, the crew of a US Air flight departing for Ft Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to nose with a United 727.

An irate female ground controller lashed out at the US Air crew, screaming: "US Air 2771, where the hell are you going? I told you to turn right onto Charlie taxiway! You turned right on Delta! Stop right there. I know it's difficult for you to tell the difference between C and D, but get it right!"

Continuing her rage to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting hysterically: "God! Now you've screwed everything up! It'll take forever to sort this out! You stay right there and don't move till I tell you to! You can expect progressive taxi instructions in about half an hour, and I want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I tell you! You got that, US Air 2771?"

"Yes, ma'am," the humbled crew responded.

Naturally, the ground control communications frequency fell terribly silent after the verbal bashing of US Air 2771. Nobody wanted to chance engaging the irate ground controller in her current state of mind.

Tension in every cockpit out around Gatwick was definitely running high. Just then an unknown pilot broke the silence and keyed his microphone, asking:

"Wasn't I married to you once?"



The German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are renowned as a short-tempered lot. They not only expect one to know one's gate parking location, but how to get there without any assistance from them. So it was with some amusement that we (a Pan Am 747) listened to the following exchange between Frankfurt ground control and a British Airways 747, call sign Speedbird 206.

Speedbird 206: " Frankfurt , Speedbird 206! clear of active runway."

Ground: "Speedbird 206, Taxi to gate Alpha One-Seven."

The BA 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop.

Ground: "Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?"

Speedbird 206: "Stand by, Ground, I'm looking up our gate location now."

Ground (with quite arrogant impatience): "Speedbird 206, have you not been to Frankfurt before?"

Speedbird 206 (coolly): "Yes, twice in 1944, but it was dark, -- and I didn't land."
roosterbri Posted - 26 Nov 2014 : 09:41:12
Muslim suicide bombers in Britain are set to begin a three-day strike on Monday in a dispute over the number of virgins they are entitled to in the afterlife. Emergency talks with Al Qaeda have so far failed to produce an agreement.

The unrest began last Tuesday when Al Qaeda announced that the number of virgins a suicide bomber would receive after his death would be cut by 25% this February from 72 to 54. A spokesman said increases in recent years in the number of suicide bombings has resulted in a shortage of virgins in the afterlife.

The suicide bombers' union, the British Organization of Occupational Martyrs
(or B.O.O.M.) responded with a statement saying the move was unacceptable to its members and called for a strike vote. General Secretary Abdullah Amir told the press, "Our members are literally working themselves to death in the cause of Jihad. We don't ask for much in return but to be treated like this is like a kick in the teeth" Speaking from his shed in Tipton in the West Midlands, Al Qaeda chief executive Haisheet Mapants explained, "I sympathize with our workers concerns but Al Qaeda is simply not in a position to meet their demands.

They are simply not accepting the realities of modern-day Jihad in a competitive marketplace. Thanks to Western depravity, there is now a chronic shortage of virgins in the afterlife. It's a straight choice between reducing expenditures or laying people off. I don't like cutting benefits but I'd hate to have to tell 3,000 of my staff that they won't be able to blow themselves up.

Spokespersons for the union in the North East of England, Ireland, Wales and the entire Australian continent stated that the change would not hurt their membership as there are so few virgins in their areas anyway.

According to some industry sources, the recent drop in the number of suicide bombings has been attributed to the emergence of Scottish singing star, Susan Boyle. Many Muslim Jihadists now know what a virgin looks like and have reconsidered their benefit packages.

roosterbri Posted - 24 Nov 2014 : 16:38:39
5 undeniable facts

1. A girl is said to be grown up when she starts wearing a bra. A boy is grown up when he starts removing it.

2. We all love to spend money buying new clothes but we never realize that the best moments in life are enjoyed without clothes.

3. Having a cold drink on hot day with a few friends is nice, but having a hot friend on a cold night after a few drinks - PRICELESS.

4. Breaking News: Condoms don't guarantee safe sex anymore. A friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot dead by the woman's husband.

5. Arguing over a girl's bust size is like choosing between Becks, Heineken, Carlsberg & Budweiser. Men may state their preferences, but will grab whatever is available.

roosterbri Posted - 23 Oct 2014 : 11:38:39
If this story doesn't make you cry for laughing so hard, let me know and I’ll pray for you. This is a story about a couple who had been happily married for years, the only friction in their marriage was the husband’s habit of farting loudly every morning when he awoke the noise would wake his wife and the smell would make her eyes water and make her gasp for air.
Every morning
she would plead with him to stop ripping them off because it was making her sick. He told her he couldn't stop it and that it was perfectly natural. She told him to see a doctor, she was concerned that one day he would blow his guts out. The years went by and he continued to rip them out. Then one Christmas day morning, as she was preparing the turkey for dinner and he was upstairs sound asleep, she looked at the innards, neck, gizzard, liver and all the spare parts, and a malicious thought came to her. She took the bowl and went upstairs where her husband was sound asleep and, gently pulling the bed covers back, she pulled back the elastic waistband of his underpants and emptied the bowl of turkey guts into his shorts. Sometime later she heard her husband waken with his usual trumpeting which was followed by a blood curdling scream and the sound of frantic footsteps as he ran into the bath room. The wife could hardly control herself as she rolled on the floor laughing, tears in her eyes! After years of torture she reckoned she had got him back pretty good. About twenty minutes later, her husband came downstairs in his blood stained underpants with a look of horror on his face. She bit her lip as she asked him what was the matter. He said, “Honey you were right… all these years you have warned me and I didn't listen to you.” “What do you mean?” asked his wife. “Well, you always told me that one day I would end up farting my guts out, and today it finally happened, but by the grace of god, some Vaseline and two fingers. I think I got most of them back in…….............…..”

Don't just keep it, share it along
roosterbri Posted - 15 Oct 2014 : 16:48:40


A man and his wife were getting a divorce at a local court in Poland;

But the custody of their children posed a problem.

The mother jumped to her feet and protested to the judge,

That since she had brought the children into this world,

She should retain custody of them.

The man also wanted custody of his children, so the judge asked for his side of the story.

After a long moment of silence, the man rose from his chair and replied:

"Your Honor, when I put a coin into a vending machine, and a Coke comes out,

Does the Coke belong to me or to the machine?"

roosterbri Posted - 04 Sep 2014 : 12:15:37

Better than a Flu Shot!
Miss Beatrice, the church organist, was in her eighties
and had never been married.
She was admired for her sweetness and kindness to all.
One afternoon the pastor came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint
sitting room.
She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea.
As he sat facing her old Hammond organ,the young minister noticed a cut glass
bowl sitting on top of it.
The bowl was filled with water, and in the water floated, of all
things, a condom!

When she returned with tea and scones, they began to chat.
The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its
strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and he could no longer resist.
'Miss Beatrice', he said,
'I wonder if you would tell me about this?
Pointing to the bowl.
'Oh, yes,' she replied, 'Isn't it wonderful? I was walking
through the park a few months ago and I found
this little package on the ground.
The directions said
To place it on the organ,
Keep it wet and that it would prevent the spread of disease.
Do you know I haven't had the flu all winter.

If you don't send this
to five GOOD friends right away
there will be five fewer people
smiling in the world

roosterbri Posted - 26 Aug 2014 : 11:42:57
Why Sharks Circle Before Attacking..

Two great white sharks swimming in the ocean, spied survivors of a sunken ship.

"Follow me son" the father shark said and they swam to the mass of people.

"First, we swim around them a few times, with just the tip of our fin showing."

And they did.

"Well done, son!

"Now, we swim around them a few times, with ALL of our fin showing."

And they did.

"Now we eat everybody."

And they did.

When they were both gorged, the son asked: "Dad, why didn't we just eat them all at first?

"Why did we swim around and around them?"

His wise father replied: "Because they taste better if you scare the s--t out of them first!"
roosterbri Posted - 24 Aug 2014 : 10:13:32
My dad worked on the roadworks for twenty years before he got fired for stealing.
At first I didn't believe it.... but when I got home all the signs were there.
roosterbri Posted - 21 Aug 2014 : 10:41:03
My new neighbour
She's single...

She lives right across the street.
I can see her kitchen from mine.
I watched as she got home from work this evening.
I was surprised when she walked across the street and up my driveway and
Knocked on my door.
I rushed to open it, she looks at me and says, "I just got home. I
have this strong urge to have a good time,
get drunk, and make love all night long!
Are you busy tonight?"
I quickly replied, "Nope, I'm free, I have no plans at all!"
She said, "Great! Could you watch my dog?

Being a Senior Citizen really sucks!
roosterbri Posted - 03 Aug 2014 : 12:15:46
Fifty Sheds of Grey

At the touch of her lips, it grew long and swollen. I sighed as she squeezed and pulled expertly. It was the best balloon giraffe I'd seen

Staring at her naked body, I asked what she wanted. She told me to go for something between a smack and a stroke. So I went for a smoke

'How do you feel about using toys in the bedroom?' she asked. 'Fine,' I said, 'But I can't see how we're going to fit a Scalextric in here.'

Her body tensed and quivered as she felt wave after wave flow through it. I probably should've told her about the new electric fence.

As I lay there on the floor, my naked body covered in treacle and whipped cream, I heard those inevitable words . . . 'Clean up on aisle 3.'

'Are you ready to be tortured in a way only a woman can torture a man?' she asked. I nodded nervously. 'OK' she said and ate half my chips.

Frantically I tore off her dress, bra and knickers. My heart was racing but I just managed to close the wardrobe door before she got home.

'Hurt me!' she begged, leaning over the dining table expectantly. 'OK,' I replied, 'Your turkey's too dry and your sprouts are overcooked.'

She leant over the kitchen table. 'Smack that bottom,' she squealed, 'Smack it hard!' 'I am,' I said, 'But the ketchup just won't come out.'

She wanted to try phone sex so I pretended to be an IT support guy. It turned her on. Then it turned her off. Then it turned her on again.

They asked me to smear their naked bodies with the produce from my herb garden but I just couldn't do it. Too many women, not enough thyme.

'I'm your slave,' she said breathlessly, 'Make me feel completely helpless and worthless.' So I locked her in the shed and went to the pub.

Her body trembled and shook.'I can't wait any longer, do it now!' she cried. 'OK,' I said and got the winter duvet from the airing cupboard.

'Harder!' she cried, gripping the workbench even tighter, 'Harder!' 'Alright,' I said, 'What's the gross national product of Nicaragua?'

'Hurt me!' she cried, pressing her body up against the shed wall. 'Alright,' I said. 'You're a terrible cook and I fancy your sister.'

'Stick it right up there,' she said, 'I want to remember this!' I did, then I patted it firmly. You can't be too careful with Post-it notes.

'I'm a bad girl,' she whispered, 'Punish me in a way only a real man can!' 'Alright,' I said and left my wet towels on the bathroom floor.

'I want it now against this wall!' she ordered, 'And keep it up as long as possible.' 'Don't worry,' I said, 'I know how to put up a shelf.'

roosterbri Posted - 06 Jul 2014 : 12:13:50
This is not for the faint hearted....or prude

Three virgin sisters were all getting married within a short time period. Mum was a bit worried about how each daughter’s sex life would get started, and made them all promise to send a postcard from the honeymoon with a few words on their first impressions of marital sex. The first girl sent a card from Hawaii two days after the wedding. The card said nothing but: “Nescafe” Puzzled at first, Mum went to her kitchen and got out the Nescafe jar. It said: “Good till the last drop” Mum blushed, but was pleased for her daughter. The second girl sent the card from the Maldives a week after the wedding, and the card read: “Rothmans” Mum now knew to go straight to her husband's cigarettes to read from the pack: “Extra Long. King Size” She was again slightly embarrassed, but still happy for her daughter. The third girl departed for her honeymoon in New Zealand. Mum waited for a week, nothing. Another week went by and still nothing. A month passed; still nothing. A card finally arrived from Auckland, on which was written with shaky hand, “Air New Zealand.” Mum took out her latest travel magazine, flipped through the pages fearing the worst, and finally found the ad for Air NZ. 'Ten times a day, seven days a week, both ways.' Mum fainted!
roosterbri Posted - 23 Jun 2014 : 12:36:07
When God created
Adam and Eve, He said:
I only have two gifts:
One is the art of peeing standing ...
And then Adam stepped forward and shouted:
ME!, ME!, ME!,
I would love it please ... Lord, please, please!
Look, it will make my life substantially easier.
Eve nodded, and said those things did not matter to her.
Then God gave Adam the gift and he began to shout for joy.
He ran through the garden of Eden and used it to wet all the trees and
bushes, ran down the beach making drawings with his pee in the sand ...
Well, he would not stop showing off.
God and Eve watched the man crazy with happiness and Eve asked God:
What is the other gift? '
God answered:
Eve,..... a brain ... and it is for you ...!

Rooster says......Are you sure!!!!!!!????
roosterbri Posted - 10 Jun 2014 : 13:44:12
Bill catches a taxi home one evening and the cabbie charges him almost double the usual fare.

When Bill complains he becomes abusive, so Bill resolves to get his revenge if he comes across this taxi driver again.

A week later Bill goes to get a cab home and notices the driver from the week before is third in the taxi rank.

He strolls up and gets in the first cab, once inside he tells the driver that he doesn’t have any cash but, if he takes him home he’ll give him oral sex.

The cab driver goes mad and kicks him out of his cab.

Bill now gets into the second cab and makes that driver the same proposition: oral sex for a lift home.

The second driver also furiously refuses and kicks him out.

So now Bill gets into the third taxi, the guy who ripped him off, and asks to be dropped a few blocks away.

As the cab drives off Bill smiles at the first two drivers and gives a big thumbs up…
roosterbri Posted - 27 Feb 2014 : 11:29:29
Overheard in a bar

I couldn't help but over-hear two guys in their mid-twenties while sitting

at a bar.

One of the guys says to his buddy, "Man you look tired."

His buddy says,

“Dude I’m exhausted my girlfriend and I have sex all the time I just don’t know

what to do anymore.”

A fellow about my age, sitting a couple of stools down had also

overheard the conversation. He looked over at the two young men and with

the wisdom of his years says,

"Marry her. That'll put a stop to that"
roosterbri Posted - 27 Feb 2014 : 11:25:24
Tips on lovemaking for the oldies

1. Wear your glasses to make sure your partner is actually in the bed.

2. Set timer for 3 minutes, just in case you doze off in the middle.

3. Set the mood with lighting. (Turn them ALL OFF!)

4. Make sure you put 999 on your speed dial before you begin.

5. Write partner's name on your hand in case you can't remember.

6. Use extra polygrip so your teeth don't end up under the bed.

7. Have Tylenol ready in case you actually complete the act..

8. Make all the noise you want....the neighbors are deaf, too.

9. If it works, call everyone you know with the good news!!

10. Don't even think about trying it twice.

Your sweetie says, 'Let's go upstairs and make love,' and you answer, 'Pick one; I can't do both!'

Your friends compliment you on your new alligator shoes and you're barefoot.

Going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.

You don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go along.

You are cautioned to slow down by the doctor instead of by the police .

'Getting a little action' means you don't need to take a laxative today.

'Getting lucky' means you find your car in the parking lot..

An 'all nighter' means not getting up to use the bathroom.

You're not sure if these are facts or jokes.
roosterbri Posted - 22 Feb 2014 : 06:06:49

Mohammad entered his classroom on the first day of school.

"What's your name?" asked the teacher.
"Mohammad," he replied.

"You're in Australia now," replied the teacher, "So from now on you will be known as Kevin."
Mohammad returned home after school.

"How was your day, Mohammad?" his mother asked.
"My name is not Mohammad. I'm in Australia and now my name is Kevin."
"Are you ashamed of your name? Are you trying to dishonor your parents, your heritage, your religion? Shame on you!"

And his mother beat him. Then she called his father, who beat him again.

The next day Mohammad returned to school. The teacher saw all of his bruises. "What happened to you, Kevin?” she asked.

"Well miss, shortly after becoming an Australian, I was attacked by two f***ing Arabs."
roosterbri Posted - 25 Jan 2014 : 15:58:03
An arab was being interviewed at a US checkpoint.
'Your name pls.'?
"Abdul Aziz "
"Sex? "
"Six times a week!! "
"No, no, I mean male or female! "
"Doesn't matter, sometimes even camel !"
Sex is like a restaurant.
Sometimes you get full satisfactory service,
and sometimes you have to be satisfied with self-service"
What makes a happy man?
Daughter on the cover of cosmo.
Son on the cover of sports illustrated.
Mistress on the cover of playboy
and .. Wife on the cover of "missing persons"
roosterbri Posted - 21 Jan 2014 : 09:00:11

A family is at the dinner table. The son asks his father,
"Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there?"

The father, surprised, answers, "Well, son, there are three kinds of boobs. In her 20s, a woman's are like melons, round and firm. In her 30s, 40s and 50's they are like pears, still nice but hanging a bit. After 60, they are like onions."


"Yes, you see them and they make you cry."

This infuriated his wife and daughter so the daughter said, "Mum, how many kinds of "willies" are there?"

The mother, surprised, smiles and answers, "Well, dear, a man goes through three phases. In his 20's, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard. In his 30s, 40s and 50's it is like a birch, flexible but reliable. After his 60s, it is like a Christmas tree."

"A Christmas tree?"

"Yes. The tree is dead, and the balls are just for decoration."
roosterbri Posted - 02 Dec 2013 : 10:53:39

Paddy staggers exhausted into his house.

‘What’s wrong with you?’ asks his wife Bridie.

‘I thought I’d save my 75p bus fare by running behind the bus,’ gasps Paddy.

‘Ya eejit,’ says Bridie. ‘If you’d run home behind a taxi you could’ve saved a tenner.’

roosterbri Posted - 21 Nov 2013 : 11:08:00
Moishe Plotnik's Laundry
> >
> > Walking through San Francisco 's Chinatown, a tourist from the
> > Midwest was enjoying the artistry of all the Chinese restaurants,
> >
> > shops, signs and banners..... .
> >
> > When he turned a corner and saw a building with the sign
> > 'Moishe Plotnik's Laundry.'
> >
> >
> > 'Moishe Plotnik?' he wondered.
> >
> > 'How does that belong in Chinatown ?'
> > He walked into the shop and saw a fairly standard looking dry
> > cleaner, although he could see that the proprietors were clearly
> > aware of the uniqueness of the store name as there were baseball
> > hats, T-shirts and coffee mugs emblazoned with the logo'Moishe
> > Plotnik's Chinese Laundry.'
> >
> > The tourist selected a coffee cup as a conversation piece to take
> > back to his office. Behind the counter was a smiling old Chinese
> > gentleman who thanked him for his purchase.
> >
> > The tourist asked, 'Can you explain how this place got a name like
> >
> > 'Moishe Plotnik's Laundry?''
> >
> > The old man answered, 'Ah..Evleebody ask me dat. It name of owner.'
> >
> > Looking around, the tourist asked, 'Is he here now?'
> >
> > 'It me, Me him!' replied the old man.
> >

> > 'Really? You're Chinese.
> > How did you ever get a Jewish name like Moishe Plotnik?'
> > 'It simple' said the old man. 'Many, many year ago I come to this
> > country. I, standing in line at ' Document Center of Immiglation.'
> > Man in front of me was man from Poland ....'
> >

> > 'Lady at counter look at him and say to him, 'What you name?'
> > He (Polish man) say to her, 'Moishe Plotnik.'
> >
> > Then she look at me and say, 'What your name?'
> >
> > I say,'Sam Ting.'
roosterbri Posted - 09 Nov 2013 : 16:37:56


The Canadians know how to handle complaints. Here is an example.

A Canadian female liberal wrote a lot of letters to the Canadian government, complaining about the treatment of captive insurgents (terrorists) being held in Afghanistan National Correctional System facilities. She demanded a response to her letter. She received back the following reply:

National Defense Headquarters
M Gen George R. Pearkes Bldg., 15 NT
101 Colonel By Drive
Ottawa , ON K1A 0K2

Dear Concerned Citizen,

Thank you for your recent letter expressing your profound concern of treatment of the Taliban and Al Qaeda terrorists captured by Canadian Forces, who were subsequently transferred to the Afghanistan Government and are currently being held by Afghan officials in Afghanistan National Correctional System facilities.

Our administration takes these matters seriously and your opinions were heard loud and clear here in Ottawa. You will be pleased to learn, thanks to the concerns of citizens like yourself, we are creating a new department here at the Department of National Defense, to be called 'Liberals Accept Responsibility for Killers' program, or L.A.R.K. for short.

In accordance with the guidelines of this new program, we have decided, on a trial basis, to divert several terrorists and place them in homes of concerned citizens such as yourself, around the country, under those citizens personal care. Your personal detainee has been selected and is scheduled for transportation under heavily armed guard to your residence in Toronto next Monday.

Ali Mohammed Ahmed bin Mahmud is your detainee, and is to be cared for pursuant to the standards you personally demanded in your letter of complaint. You will be pleased to know that we will conduct weekly inspections to ensure that your standards of care for Ahmed are commensurate with your recommendations.

Although Ahmed is a sociopath and extremely violent, we hope that your sensitivity to what you described as his 'attitudinal problem' will help him overcome those character flaws. Perhaps you are correct in describing these problems as mere cultural differences. We understand that you plan to offer counselling and home schooling, however, we strongly recommend that you hire some assistant caretakers.

Please advise any Jewish friends, neighbours or relatives about your house guest, as he might get agitated or even violent, but we are sure you can reason with him. He is also expert at making a wide variety of explosive devices from common household products, so you may wish to keep those items locked up, unless in your opinion, this might offend him. Your adopted terrorist is extremely proficient in hand-to-hand combat and can extinguish human life with such simple items as a pencil or nail clippers. We advise that you do not ask him to demonstrate these skills either in your home or wherever you choose to take him while helping him adjust to life in our country.

Ahmed will not wish to interact with you or your daughters except sexually, since he views females as a form of property, thereby having no rights, including refusal of his sexual demands. This is a particularly sensitive subject for him.

You also should know that he has shown violent tendencies around women who fail to comply with the dress code that he will recommend as more appropriate attire. I'm sure you will come to enjoy the anonymity offered by the burka over time. Just remember that it is all part of 'respecting his culture and religious beliefs' as described in your letter.

You take good care of Ahmed and remember that we will try to have a counsellor available to help you over any difficulties you encounter while Ahmed is adjusting to Canadian culture.

Thanks again for your concern. We truly appreciate it when folks like you keep us informed of the proper way to do our job and care for our fellow man. Good luck and God bless you.

Gordon O'Connor
Minister of National Defense
roosterbri Posted - 09 Nov 2013 : 11:21:47

Milliband goes on a State visit to Israel . While he is on a tour of Jerusalem , he has a fatal heart attack.

The undertakers tell the British diplomats: "You can have him shipped home for £1 million or you can bury him here in the Holy Land for £100."

The British diplomats go into a huddle and come back to the undertaker and tell him they still want Milliband flown home.

The undertaker is puzzled and asks: "Why would you spend £1 million to get him home when it would be wonderful to be buried here in this religious country and you would only spend £100?"

One diplomat replied: "More than 2000 years ago a man died here, was buried here, and just 3 days later he rose from the dead.

"We simply can't take that risk".
roosterbri Posted - 06 Nov 2013 : 13:20:52

Two men were talking. 'So, how's your sex life?'
'Oh, nothing special. I'm having Pension sex.'
'Pension sex?'
'Yeah, you know; I get a little each month, but not enough to live on!'


A wife went in to see a therapist and said,
'I've got a big problem, doctor.
Every time we're in bed and my husband climaxes,
He lets out this ear splitting yell.'

'My dear,' the shrink said, 'that's completely natural.
I don't see what the problem is.'

'The problem is,' she complained, 'it wakes me up!'

roosterbri Posted - 26 Sep 2013 : 15:15:29
The middle-aged couple had finally learned how to send and receive texts on their mobile phones. The wife, being a romantic at heart, decided one day that she'd send her husband a text while she was out of the house having coffee with a friend.

She texted: If you are sleeping, send me your dreams. If you are laughing, send me your smile. If you are eating, send me a bite. If you are drinking, send me a sip. If you are crying, send me your tears. I love you.

The husband, being a no-nonsense sort of guy, texted back:
I'm on the toilet. Please advise.
roosterbri Posted - 25 Sep 2013 : 13:24:43
A Greek and an Italian were talking one day, discussing who had the superior culture.

Over coffee, the Greek says "Well, we built the Parthenon."

The Italian replies "We built the Coliseum."

The Greek retorts "We Greeks gave birth to mathematics."

The Italian, nodding, says "But we built the Roman Empire. "

And so on and so on until the Greek comes up with what he thinks will end the discussion.

With a flourish of finality he says "We invented sex!"

The Italian replies "That is true ……………. but it was the Italians who included women."
roosterbri Posted - 02 Sep 2013 : 09:26:48
Two nuns are ordered to paint a room in the convent ' and the last instruction from the Mother Superior is that they must not get a drop of paint on their habits. After conferring about this for a while, the two nuns decide to lock the door of the room, strip off their habits, and paint in the nude. In the middle of the project, there's a knock at the door. "Who is it?", calls one of the nuns. "Blind man," replies a voice from the other side of the door. The two nuns look at each other and shrug, and deciding that no harm can come from letting a blind man into the room, they open the door. "Nice tits," says the man, "where do you want the blinds?
roosterbri Posted - 28 Aug 2013 : 10:29:23


Husband and wife had a tiff.

Wife called up her mom and said, "He fought with me again, I am coming to live with you."

Mom said, "No darling, he must pay for his mistake. I am coming to live with you.


Today's Short Reading from the Bible... from Genesis:
"And God promised men that good and obedient wives would be found in all corners of the earth."
Then He made the earth round...and He laughed and laughed and laughed!
roosterbri Posted - 28 Aug 2013 : 10:27:47

A young man wanted to get his beautiful blonde wife something nice for their first wedding anniversary. So he decided to buy her a cell phone. He showed her the phone and explained to her all of its features. Meg was excited to receive the gift and simply adored her new phone. The next day Meg went shopping. Her phone rang and, to her astonishment, it was her husband on the other end. "Hi Meg," he said, "how do you like your new phone?"

Meg replied, "I just love it! It's so small and your voice is clear as a bell, but there's one thing I don't understand though..."

"What's that, sweetie?" asked her husband.

"How did you know I was at Tesco?"
roosterbri Posted - 28 Aug 2013 : 10:23:32
A wife asks her husband, "Could you please go shopping for me and buy one carton of milk and if they have avocados, get 6.
A short time later the husband comes back with 6 cartons of milk.
The wife asks him, "Why did you buy 6 cartons of milk?"
He replied, "They had avocados."
If you're a woman, I'm sure you're going back to read it again!
Men will get it the first time.
My work is done here.
roosterbri Posted - 20 Aug 2013 : 05:55:05
Women cant please them. I remember booking a table for Valentines day a few years back. I dont know why I bothered. She moaned and moaned all bloody evening. How was I to know she didn't like snooker?
roosterbri Posted - 19 Aug 2013 : 04:54:51
Back on January 9th, a group of bikers were riding west on I-74 when they saw a girl about to jump off the Murray Baker Bridge. So they stopped.

George, their leader, a big burly man of 53, gets off his Harley, walks through a group of gawkers, past the State Trooper who was trying to talk her down off the railing, and says,
"Hey Baby.....whatcha doin' up there on that railin'?"
She says tearfully, "I'm going to commit suicide!!"
While he didn't want to appear "sensitive," George also didn't want to miss this "be-a-legend" opportunity either so he asked ..."Well, before you jump, Honey-Babe...why don't you give ole George here your best last kiss?"
So, with no hesitation at all, she leaned back over the railing and did just that ... and it was a long, deep, lingering kiss followed immediately by another even better one.
After they breathlessly finished, George gets a big thumbs-up approval from his biker-buddies, the onlookers, and even the State Trooper, and then says: "Wow! That was the best kiss I have ever had, Honey! That's a real talent you're wasting, Sugar Shorts. You could be famous if you rode with me. Why the hell are you committing suicide?"
"My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl."
It's still unclear whether she jumped or was pushed.

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